Three years and one month ago I found myself facing the most painful event of my life alone. Death was unfamiliar to me, and a strong, young man at the height of his career with his personal goals at an all time high was suddenly taken from us as the result of someone else' negligence. For over a year I cried every single morning upon waking. His bathrobe hung on the door where he left it until just a month ago. Most of his things remain tucked in his drawers and on his side of the closet.…

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I'm feeling a bit lost. I came here as I have from time to time over the past three years to find solace with others who have lost a part of themselves too. Losing and feeling lost goes hand & hand now.

I can see that over these past few years I have grown. I have triumphed and failed over big and small  challenges. I am here. I have been enlightened. I've seen God's hand at work in so many areas. It's amazing to witness and yet, mostly I am at a loss for words- completely unable…

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I felt compelled to come here today, not realizing that I had been here as recently as a few weeks ago. I feel much the same way today as I did then. I miss him and my heart aches. I hate not having him here to cheer me on, provide advice, feel the warmth of his touch & smile, .... My house has gone from being full with 6 full time occupants to 2 and it's rough. My stepson has called me on all important days like his father's birthday, Easter, & Mother's Day, which felt so good! He…

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It's been a year and a half since Larry left for work, left this world, left all of us he loved & loved him. It's still beyond painful. I haven't seen my stepson in 6 months as of May 1st. Larry's 40th birthday would have been April 15th. I have been surving many tears much like I did in the beginning, but honestly, there are only rare days when I feel as if I am really progressing. I miss him more than anyone outside this grp would ever imagine. He's gone, as I sd my stepson is now…

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I  have completed 1 full year without the most important person in my life. It has been surreal. I still find it difficult to believe that this is the way it is. Death is not supposed to happen. I feel kind of like a fake- like I'm not really here living a life- I just look like I am to some people who don't know better. I have aged a good bit over the past year. Larry was 8 yrs younger than me & always sd. he was keeping me young, to which I would reply I looked older next to his baby…

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Over 13 months alone now, but time, like most other things , means little, if anything to me. Each day is very similar to the last, no matter how beautiful the weather, sleepless the nights, aggravating the work, overwhelming the classes, how wonderful the grandbaby...What does it really mean? What value is in it? WHY AM I HERE???? I try to accept God is God & his ways are not for us to question or understand, only to accept and believe that His will is perfect, yet I, in my pitiful human… Continue

Will this flood of pain & sorrow, grief & agony, self pity & lonliness, confusion & regret, longinging & hope, that consumes me, that pours from me through tears, that clouds my thoughts, steals my breathe, grips my soul, will it ever end? Will it continue until I too draw my last breathe? My family and friends have lost the mother, daughter, sister, and companion they once had, not as I have lost the one I love and adore, but they suffer a loss just the same. I will never… Continue

I guess I'm stuck in a time warp because it has been 8 calendar months since the best man I have ever known died suddenly from a work related "accident." That should be long enough for me to realize I won't be seeing him walk through the door ever again. He won't be needing any of his things that have been left untouched since the morning of August 26, 2010. Regardless, my soul longs to be with him and waits impatiently for the moment we can embrace once again. My hearts grows more weak with…

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My soul is screaming for help. I have been isolated, held prisoner in this beautiful sunny day that seems to have extended far longer than any of the worst days I've ever had at work. It sounds like I'm crazy to think such a thing & I say YES I am! Beautiful sunny days are for the living and I'm a zombie again today. I had a decent morning. It started as usual with pain & tears & shifted gears somewhat as I decided to make breakfast for the 1st time in over 7 months. Pancakes…

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The night of August 25, 2010 we experienced what my son refers to as an "epic" storm. At any moment our house could have been torn apart, wind, rain and lightening kept our family from sleeping even though our bodies were exhausted & needed rest. Larry forced himself out of bed at 5:30 the next morning as I silently watched him brush his teeth, get dressed & slip out the door. It was the last time I would ever see him. In less than 3 hours he would no longer be a part of this world…

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I remember my daughter coming home from kindergarten & to my amazement she said rather matter- of- factly, that every story has a problem; no problem = no story. Our life is our story and we all have problems large & small. It's how we react to the problems that reflect our character. Larry's death certainly caught me off guard. He was 8 years younger than me, and only 38 yrs. young. He was healthy, strong, optimistic, deteremined and he was everything to me. Now you see him &…

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Friday, March 25, 2011

The weather was sunny & pleasant, but terrible storms were predicted for the weekend so I went to the cemetary after work to pull weeds. I forgot my weeding fork last week when I went to fertilize. I also purchased a disposable camera on the way just in case. I pulled weeds until the sun set, from Larry's gravesite and those surrounding his. They were so neglected & overgrown with dandilions. What good is it to leave them, they will just blow over &…

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We spent an awesome weekend in North Georgia visiting pumpkin farms, hiking the falls, visited a kangeroo ranch, went through a craft fair, cruised through an antique car show, shopped the outlets (that was his thing -really!) and we ate some yummy food!

This was taken at the Dream House. We were planning to purchase our "forever home" within the next couple of years & were looking for ideas. He enjoyed every minute of our trip as much or more than I did. God knows I love this man! He filled my life with adventure & joy. I miss him more than words could ever express. Not a minute passes that he is not on my mind &… Continue