Kim's Blog (24)

what to think

 I am in just a daze sometimes. Seems like the pain and agony will never end. I just don't understand living again. I sometimes just would like to go into a coma and not deal with the hurt and pain anymore I miss my son and picking up the pieces of what is left of my life is a hugh undertaking. I often ask why and then I see my grandsons and realize life goes on. Weather I want to be in it or not. Something are just to hard to let go of. My grieve counsler told me once that cant isn't an…

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Added by Kim on May 18, 2011 at 11:03pm — No Comments

things are bad

 I read somewhere on here that the 2nd year was the worst but I think it is going to hurt like this in my life. All this pain and agony. I sometimes see myself like Scarlott in Gone with the wind. I'll think about that tomorrow or If I have to lie cheat or steal I will never be hungry again but with my fist in the air. This will not beat me. I will over come all this sadness. I will never hurt like this again. I will not loose my mind. I will fight and death u took one but u will not get me.…

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Added by Kim on May 16, 2011 at 12:37am — No Comments

Step Back

 I keep telling myself all is going to be ok and I can keep going but deep inside I can't. I wake up and really don't care if I do or don't. I want to feel safe again. I want to have peace of mind. I just have this nagging feeling I missed something. I didn't pay enough attention. I gave the drs to much freedom. I go over and over the last 7 years and some of it is just a blurr. I can't remember nothing. It is like my mind shut down and I went went through the motions of life. I was frozen…

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Added by Kim on May 12, 2011 at 1:28am — No Comments

Things I hate

 If I hear one more time the Lord don't put more on us than we can bare I am going to loose my mind. How easy those words come from somebody that have not sufford this loss. How can they possibly know.. but yet they give that saying out like a banner. I hate it.

Added by Kim on May 11, 2011 at 9:28am — 6 Comments

dead inside

Dearest Chris,

I miss u. I can hardly breath. I hate living and I want to stay here for the kids and grandkids. I just wish I could start feeling again something other than sadness. I was driving down the road and a funeral drove past. I sat in the car and cried for each car that passed. I was heartbroken for them. I know what kind of loss it is. I really don't think I will ever be or do I want to be the same. I just want my boy back. Never in my life would I ever thought I would have…

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Added by Kim on November 8, 2010 at 10:30pm — No Comments

Another month is passing

Dearest Chris,

How I miss u. How I miss your voice. People tell me I need to get your things out of the house and start over but I can't do it. I know the dr says I am stuck in grief but you I finally figured out if it gives me peace of mind to hope and wait for u to come home so be it. I am and have tired so hard to get rid of your things but they are yours. I let your brother and sister pick out anything they wanted and the rest I put in boxes and stored in the attic. They keep u…

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Added by Kim on November 3, 2010 at 11:12am — No Comments

living is so hard

I sit and wonder how u are and what u are doing and why I am still here? I don't want to be here I want my family. I can't believe how my heart hurts. I have never been so sad in all my life. I do well to pull myself up at times. Another day and I have to face it without u. I can't believe it. Everything I ever believed in is gone. The God of my child hood is not the God that took my son. 7 years we battled,I sat by your bed so many night praying. I just knew God had healed u and everything…

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Added by Kim on October 7, 2010 at 7:27pm — No Comments

Another day

Dear Chris.

As your birthday approaches I find myself torn. You were born but now u are gone from this earth. I am so hurt and still hurting as if it was day one. I don't ever see this getting easier. I just don't want to be here without u here. I know I have other kids and grandkids but I am not whole. I am missing. I don't belong with anyone or anything. No Mother ever should have seen what I seen. I hate myself and I hate my life.I hate walking around with this stupied look on my…

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Added by Kim on September 12, 2010 at 1:40pm — No Comments

Wake me up when Sept ends

Dear Chris,

I miss u so much I don't know what to do with myself. I go to work and put this stupied smile on my face and hope and pray nobody sees through to the real pain.I can't get anyone to help me I have tried so hard to find a lawyer to say the dr's done something wrong but that in it's self is a good thing because I made all the right decisions. I often wonder if I had turned left instead of right would that have changed your destany. God I hate living. I hate my life. I can't…

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Added by Kim on September 10, 2010 at 9:45am — No Comments

how is anyone ever going to know

How is anyone ever going to know all the great things my son done is his very short life. He saved so many lives because of his illness. The dr's at Vanderbilt used him to teach many dr's new methods that worked on him. He was one of a kind. He is the only person in the world to ever survive a stemcell transplant with stage 4 cirrosis of the liver due to the chemo they gave him. How are they ever going to know how meek and mellow he was. But when it came to his family he could kill. He was a… Continue

Added by Kim on May 2, 2010 at 11:23pm — No Comments

When dealth comes knocking

I wrote this at lunch I am a poet by no means so just bear with it.



When dealth comes knocking "ohh" what to do?

It will take all that is left of you.

It takes all that you are and and takes your guard down..

It rips your sanity and your will,it takes all the tears you had to heal.

It takes your family thats a fact and trust me it don't give back.

It will take your family you hold so dear and it rips your heart out oh what fear.

Hurt and rage is all you… Continue

Added by Kim on April 13, 2010 at 8:30pm — No Comments

A walk to remember

Due to the terrible loss of my son I have noticed a few things. I am nor will I ever be the same. I was a great mother and now with one missing I am not a good mother.My family daughter and son that are still here are suffering too. I have realized Chris was the glue that kept my family together. All my kids played a part in making my family. Chris was the glue. Amanda never a dull moment drama because she was always the diva. Scott the baby always made us laugh.Scott don't talk to anyone much… Continue

Added by Kim on April 12, 2010 at 8:29pm — No Comments

Missing

I feel like half of me is missing. I miss my son because he is gone to heaven and I can't get to him. I cry for him daily. I am depressed to the max and can't seem to get him out of my mind. He is gone. I will never get to see him with a wife and kids. I forever miss him. My heart is just not the same. I am not the same. I don't like the way I am feeling. I miss him so much I think I can't breath sometimes. This isn't fair. I don't know why God didn't take me. I have lived a life. It was his… Continue

Added by Kim on March 24, 2010 at 4:35am — No Comments

I can't take it anymore

I am still so tired of missing my son. I want to see him. I want to hold him. I want to talk to him. He has been gone 3 months now and it still hurts so bad I can't stand myself. I am a changed person I am a mother with empty arms because of one her kids are going never to be seen on this earth again. Anger naa I am not mad I am hurt. I want my family to whole again. I want to just sit and have dinner with my family again. If you all knew Chris Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday. Which makes… Continue

Added by Kim on March 8, 2010 at 7:27am — No Comments

What to do now.......

Almost another month has went by and it still hurts as much today as it did when it first happened. I miss my son so much sometimes I can't breath. Flash backs of how sick the dr's made him still haunt me. I still see him taking his last breaths. I just can't get past it. He didn't want to go he fought so hard. I feel maybe I didn't fight hard enough for him. I should have stood up to the dr's and his dad and put him on the ventilator to see if the meds would continue to work. But I just didn't… Continue

Added by Kim on February 23, 2010 at 10:26am — 1 Comment

Memories

I put some pictures of my Chris on my desk some of my very favorites and bought a candle and put and lit it last light. I realized that the candle put the word memory on the wall from the frame it is in. How that upset me to realize my beautiful son that I loved and cared for so long is just to memory to so many people. To me Chris lives. Anyone that met my son and knew his story took a part of him. He suffered from Leukemia and had every side effect to every drug they gave him. He never… Continue

Added by Kim on February 10, 2010 at 11:01am — No Comments

Highs and lows

I went to the Dr. the other day just to find out if I was crazy or not. Sometimes I feel just even and in about a half second I can be down in the dumps. The lowest of the low. Never in my life have I ever been so low. I thought I was loosing my mind. Sometimes I found it hard to take another step or say another word it was just to hard. I don't understand all this sadness. I would love to hear his voice or see him in a dream but I know it wouldn't be enough just the one time. How am I going to… Continue

Added by Kim on January 26, 2010 at 11:05pm — No Comments

Grief

Today's subject is grief. Been thinking about this a lot lately and can't seem to get a handle on it. I just have never been so low. I know at times I feel a little normal but for the most part I am just sad. What is the proper way to grieve? I don't know. Somedays I can laugh about the silly things he done as a child and other days it kills me and brings me to tears just seeing his picture. How does one get over this. I know I have read all the grief process and seems like non apply to me. I… Continue

Added by Kim on January 22, 2010 at 7:56pm — 1 Comment

Trying

I am trying so hard to get on with things. I hung a pic my son had made for me a couple months before he was called home and I find myself missing him more. When does the heart ever stop missing him do bad u can't through the day without crying or that u don't work yourself to the ground that all u can do is fall asleep when you sit still for 5 minutes? Sometimes I feel like I am going to die. My heart races and I want to run because I miss him so bad. What do you do? Nothing seems to fit… Continue

Added by Kim on January 17, 2010 at 8:24pm — No Comments

Poem for my hero

My hero is my son, God called away.From the first breath until last,I stayed by his side, hoping and praying I could take his place. His laugh could make the angels sing. A heart of pure gold was Gods gift to him,he took what ever fate was in his way. He took it all and never complained. His last words I heard him say, I will fight all the way. God called him to heaven so cancer couldn't win his battle.

I don't think I can take this I miss him more each day and I don't know where to turn.… Continue

Added by Kim on January 10, 2010 at 12:56pm — No Comments

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