Anticipating 1st bday without Amanda

May is just around the corner. I lost my only child, my beautiful daughter Amanda, last Sept. In May comes my first Mother's day without her (am I still a mom?), her 24th birthday, my 55th birthday and her father (my ex for many many years) 56th birthday. I am just waiting. It's like, if I can just make it through May, I will be okay. I'm hooked up withThe Compassionate Friends and private counseling but I'm so mad my only child, my best friend for the last 23 years, my pride and joy, the apple of my eye, the one person I could count on for unconditional love is gone. I went out on my first date in years with an old high school friend. In conversation, the quetion came up, "Who was the love of your life?" He said, "my high school sweetheart. Who was yours?" I had to say, "My daughter, Amanda. I guess the man of my life just hasn't come yet." Music is such a trigger and I love music, but I just can't listen to random music anymore...Songs like "Amanda, light of my life" or "No more tears in Heaven", and especially any Beatle or Bob Marley songs (her faves...a child after my own heart), send me straight to the place of "The Great Sadness"(from The Shack). I listened to the song "I dreamed a dream" a new youtube sensation and the last lyric is "Life killed my dream". I hate it when people try to make me feel like I should be okay because she is in a "better place". Oh..that makes me feel all better now! Why can't people just listen or offer me a hamburger or to come rake my yard? Or keep me company while I rake my own yard! I am finding that the anticipation of hard days (birthdays, mother day, etc) has been harder than the actual days. I was very active in my church, taught a class each week to women with addicted loved ones....I just have to say, this loss, this absolute robbery, not only of my only child, but grand children too, has really ticked me off and I'm just wondering why. I know there's a lot of missing kids and that's so sad. I know it could be worse and that she died instantly. But I want my girl back!!!

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