My soul is screaming for help. I have been isolated, held prisoner in this beautiful sunny day that seems to have extended far longer than any of the worst days I've ever had at work. It sounds like I'm crazy to think such a thing & I say YES I am! Beautiful sunny days are for the living and I'm a zombie again today. I had a decent morning. It started as usual with pain & tears & shifted gears somewhat as I decided to make breakfast for the 1st time in over 7 months. Pancakes & coffee for my son & me before we rushed off to church. Service was awesome, although there too I spent much of the time in tears as the soloist sang about God molding us through our trials.... I agree whole heartedly, but I am giving God permission to speed up my molding process because I don't know how much longer I can take this. Get home & there goes my son to enjoy the day with friends- perhaps go to the river he says. That's great, I'll just stay here & finish some school work, maybe sew a bit & sit in the sun or walk the dog. I tried, I'm still trying but.... I have spent the day mostly thinking poor pitiful me, I hate being here, I am tired of living- it's no fun anymore & I'm ready to go! Ever seen a small child like that? The amusement park was great for the first hour, but after that, the kid is ready to go & mom & dad are saying "oh no- we spent big bucks to get in here & we're staying!" Another hour goes by and the kid begins to fuss, complain, whine and cry "I want to go home!" Well that's exactly how I feel right now! I'm trusting God will distract me with something that will change my mind, something that will make the kid in me decide I like this place & think I'd like to stay a litle longer after all OR maybe He'll give in & take me home. Right now I'm just so tired of being here without Larry.

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Comment by Carol Kayser on April 16, 2011 at 12:31am

Dear Christy, I am so sorry you are having a hard time.  I wish we could turn back the clock for all of us!  In our lives with our loved ones we had a contract, a contract of living and loving, and we should complete that, in honor of them.  Easy to say I know, hard to follow through.  I think of my Jack as being right behind that flimsy curtain that separates us from each other, not far at all. Oh Christy, I know how hard it is.  You are so young!  you have so much to give, such talents and such love.  Your son sounds so sweet, to be able to enjoy time with him, think of Larry being happy to see you both together, taking care of each other.  Try to gain strength from him, he is sending it to you you know.   Gather it up and let it help you through these hard times.  

 

If you would like to chat here is my email address:  ca.kayser@hotmail.com.  Send me an email with your phone number, it is very cheap for me to call across the U.S. as I have family who I call.   Thinking of you.

 

Carol

Comment by Kathy King Kates on April 11, 2011 at 10:59pm
As I passed by Covington on my way to Alabama yet again, you crossed my mind. So sorry yesterday was such a rough day. We must exchange #'s. We could have met as I was home alone this past weekend. I am now in Huntsville visiting my 2 brothers and their wives. I will send a note to your inbox..

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