How Death of my son has changed me. 07-24-2009
I thought my son was always going to be here. And I rarely face the fact that we are all
not given today or tomorrow no one is; But when a mother outlives her child, the world, our relationships, our dreams, our feelings, our goals & our life changes forever. I didn’t need to do nothing to change things from then. It happens all by itself….day after day.
The way I get up every morning…and start a new day….not with the enthusiasm and ambitions for life I once had and all plans that I used to have.
The way I breathe, and look at life that once was is not the same and never will be again.
The way I see and look at others…for those that do not know how much I hurt every day missing my child, my son and listening to them sharing their stories of their children; their birthday parties, their scribbled drawings on the refrigerator, their first date, their new shoes, their Summer actives with their family~ all remind me of what was and will never be again….and it is hard to smile, and they don’t know the pain of why it is hard to smile and will never know unless they too have lost a child.
It change the way I listen to music and to every song about losing & missing someone or a song I heard him playing in his room, his music he liked and not knowing the songs he said he hated but really liked that I Listen to while driving somewhere him and I, a song I danced to make him laugh and he would say “embarrassing mom”…The music can magically take me back to a special moment in time where I remember him and every expression on his face and his smile… that I feel so deep in my gut that it is almost as if it was written just for me to remember him and his beautiful smile.
When I look at all the photos of him and our family’s life, the huge events that made up our family life together, that video my niece captured at Easter last year 2008 and the split second of filming, that will now be more precious than anything in the world because it’s my memories of our last time with my son with his family laughing and having fun.
When I can laugh or enjoy something, I catch myself feeling guilty because my son will never smile or laugh again. It is just not fair.
I have change so much every single day that passes without him here with me. Watching the seasons change from winter to spring and then summer. Tells me that time stands still for no one, for no reason.
The little things that used to annoy me, no longer make sense… For I will forever be in charge of My choices, my attitude, my memories, even in the face of such a devastating loss words could not even describe it.
As I watch the seasons change for the rest of my time here; for every leaf that falls, for every snowflake that touches my cheek, for every ray of sun that brings warmth to my soul and for every new experience his daughter learns as she grows…it will be a moment that I wished so much I could have shared it with him.
It has been 7 months and the pain is still not easy just easier to hide is all. Summer is going to fast it seems and as days pass it gets further and further away from the date he was last here with me.. I miss my son so much...Even when I may look good or smile there is always that pain of wondering how he would be right now at this moment.
So many people are being called Home and I will wait untill it is my time and I will be with my son again and my heart will be whole again..it doesn't get easier with time and who ever said it did well they were wrong...
I miss you my son love mom.