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Comment by msmimin on December 18, 2009 at 3:55pm

oh carol, where do i start... i am so sorry for your loss!!! i too am a parent missing my child. he died on 3-18-2009, he was the only fatality on St Paddys day. Yes he had been drinking, but i truly believe that is not why he died. there was some problems with the car, and i'm sure his drinking and not remembering the problems with the car, probably lead to his death.

i too am physically and mentally ill, now. i have lost 80 lbs since he died, the bad part is, i had that much too lose. hahah

my work seems to be my biggest problem. they do not have the patience or compassion to understand what i am going through, and i really don't feel like any of them care. i sure hear about the weight loss, like i had anything to do with it!!! i do eat, so don't flip out on me, i just don't eat if i am not hungry anymore, and luckily i am not hungry much because of the grief!!

since you don't know me, i want you to know, the same child that is now dead, had cancer as a kid, and almost died. and i gained 100lbs, it was like the weight just moved in his room. LOL now in hindsite, i wish he had died then, at least it was a reason, an acceptable reason.
getting that call at 2.40a.m. sucks.
our local police identified the body, so i did not see him until after the autopsy. well, needless to say, no body, not my kid!! that fantasy only lasted a few days until i could view his body, and really come to terms with my son being dead, for the rest of my life!!!

in a way, i wish he had died then, at least there was a reason for his death, this, i just cannot accpet.

grief has taken over, and i could care less how i look, or what i do.

i have not cooked or cleaned since my son died, and i feel horrible about it too. as i still have two young adults living at home, i just cannot function, i am on meds for depression, and all of the symptoms that come with grief, but the only thing they do is get me through the day at work.

i am finding it hard to find anyone,who has sympathy for what i am feeling at all. one of the girls at work asked me a month or so ago, how i was doing??(now 6-7 months since his death) i thought that was nice, then she said "i just thought you should be over it by now", that my son has died!! i
i could have killed her!! i had to leave the room and went to cry at my desk!!

i used to have friends at work, now no one talks to me, accept in passing. i guess i am not here to make friends, but i seem to be the only one that cannot get over this!! everyone else's life has just gone on, why has mine not??

my son would have been 31, on 9-26-09, he left behind a wife and 3 kids 10 and under. his youngest was just one year old when he died, she will not remember him.

i was reading all of the posts on here, and the pain we all go through is so horrific, i am not sure anyone can even come close to imagining the grief!!

i am lucky, in a weird way, my best friend also had 3 boys and lost her middle one about 8 years ago. and me being me, was there everyday for her to help her cry through it. she has been such an inspiration to me, but i try not to share with her too much of my pain, cause it brings all the pain about her son, back to her 10 fold, and she is then sad again.

my remaining boys, are for the most part doing much better than i. but the youngest was suspended from school because someone said something and he got very upset and had to leave several times. he lost credit for that semester, so he had to start again this year. he was put on meds and they were doing well on him, but he turned 18 and his lovely father would not give me the PROOF OF PRIOR COVERAGE, info so i could get him on my insurance at work. the meds are expensive, and i could not afford the meds withoug insurance portion.

my youngest, is filled with rage, and fights with any of us at the drop of a dime. he was not motivated before, now he just does not care about anything, but his girlfriend. i am elated he has her, cause i am unable to help in the state i am in. i do good just to get through work, and that is pushing it!!!

if i had a bad day, i usually spend the time driving home hysterically crying!!! i asked my bff about it, and she warned me to be very careful. i found myself in another city, with no intention of going there. i don't know how i drove, i don't know how i got there, all i remember is crying nonstop all the way home.

one night, i was crying and sobbing so loudly, i woke up both of my boys!! they are boys, they sleep through everything, i thought i was safe to grieve alone, but they both came down and stayed with me until i could compose myself.

this is my YEAR OF FIRSTS!! and it sucks, just as badly as they say it does.
his birthday, thanksgiving, his children's birthdays and now christmas!! this is the first year in forever that i have not done a tree!!! again, i could not care less!!!
i thought about doing one of those groups for parents who burried their kids, but i cannot get out of bed once i get home from work, so at this time, that is not an option for me.
my mom, being very religious, tells me that i should be happy, he is with God, that just makes me madder!!! i cannot pray anymore, or talk to God, i feel like i am being punnished for past transgressions.
i thought about suicide, but not for long. they say when kids loose their parent to suicide, they are unable to function and usually kill themselves as well. that broke my heart, so suicide is off, but the self hate is just blooming.
sorry once you get me started, kinda hard to stop me!! please pray for me, i feel so lost and deserted by God. i know i am supposed to understand, but this kid was in my life daily. you just don't realize how much space someone takes up, until that space is empty.
i begged God to take me, but he took my son instead. i find it very hard to believe that God is good. the pain i feel is so horendous i really don't know how i make it through the day.
i know you wish you could cry, carol, but trust me, i cry enough for the both of us, i no longer have crows feet around my eyes, they are always puffy from crying, so i look younger now!!

my life is destroyed, and i really dont' want to live another day without him. the only reason i am not dead all ready, (self inflicted) is my two remaing kids, and my grandkids. i feel i have nothing to live for any longer.
my dr knows how depressed i am and has been very good about getting me in to see her when i am really in need. sadly, there is no happy pill to put us on. the only thing that helps is time, i guess i will have plenty of that.
my middle son wanted to move with friends to colorado. i fell apart, just like reliving my son's death all over again, and then he told me he would stay, but i feel bad no.
i took the whole week before christmas off, and today seems to be one of my hardest days, his brother is turning 20 on saturday. they talked about going out as brothers to bars and hang out, and i was actually looking forward to it. there is 11 years between my first and second, then 18 months later my last child.
thank you to all of you, for letting me express some of my pain, as bad as it sounds, it is worse in my head and heart.
i told friends and family none of those emails that says to pray, or prayers, i don't know if i will be able go to church again.
this pain is so horrible, and nothing helps!!!!
eveyone says in time!!! well you know what?? i am sick of hearing that!!! i am sick of people telling me to get over it!!! i am sick of people telling me that it gets easier every day!!! and i am really sick of the people who tell me that he would not want me to grieve for him like this!!! i should just pull up my boot straps and go on. BOY IS THAT EASIER TO SAY THAN DO!!
it is so hard to find something positive to focus on, when every part of me is in pain!!!