On December 1, 2009, I recieved an email from my father in law. It contained his suicide letter, reading the words that he felt needed to be said, my heart felt stuck in my chest. I tried calling and got no answer. I hurridly got my boys ready and sped the whole way there. Normally it takes about an hour 15 to make it ther, I was there in 45. I dropped the boys off on the next block at a friends. I got there and his car was there, I open the door and its this erry silence. I was trembling and crying before I made it through the door way. I quickly glanced around the first floor and it was empty. All the while I am praying "Please let him be asleep". I make it up the stairs and I can see his feet at the edge of the bed, as I go closer I am seeing more of his body. I'm really shaking now, the last images I have of him are nothing I EVER want to see again. He used his mothers 8 gauge and ended his life. I am asking myself why's constantly. I know this was his choice but I am not only hurting but anger he would do this. I know its wrong to feel this way but I'm sorry, its the way I feel.

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Comment by gina marie on July 7, 2010 at 8:29pm
it is NOT wrong for you to be feeling the way you are Cassandra -- there probably is no "right way" to feel you know?? having to go through something this horrific must have you feeling all kinds of things and i understand your anger. i only hope you can learn to let go of that someday so you can go on with your life as best you can after an experience like this. this is a picture of my nephew--he was slolen from us July 30th 2009 and so i can relate to your pain to some degree as my familly and i are still { and will forever be} missing him and mourning losing him especiaally because he was on his way to the bus stop after work and was robbed and killed and our family will never ever be he same. it makes me sad to think you had to actually see this tragedy with your own eyes and part of your anger comes from that memory of what you witnessed ---- i cannot even imagine the pain it must have caused you but i am writing so that you know you are not alone and someone does care

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