I am new at this I just lost my son on Dec 5 2009 from a 3 relapse of cancer leukemia. He had a stem cell transplant and was doing fine for 1 year 11 months almost to the day. I have taken care of him for the last 5 years. He had a long battle. I never said he had cancer it was we had cancer. The thing that bothers me so much I feel like I lied to him. When he relapsed I told him it was just another bump in the road. He would get through this with faith and Gods help. God had always taken care of him so I had no reason to doubt he would do it again. Honestly I don't want to go on. I will never do harm to myself because I want to see my son again and I don't belive in suicide. But I feel like I am crazy. I just can't get off the couch. I can't sleep He haunts me. I can't eat because he loved to eat. I can't watch the shows we once watched together. I don't know what to do with myself. I was there when he took his first breath and his last and that is what haunts me. Can someone tell me what to do? How can I get to look at his photo's without bursting into tears. How can I stop missing him? How will my broken heart ever heal? I really don't expect my heart to heal but figure it will get easier as time goes on. I just don't understand why murders,rapest,terrest get to live and God takes my son? He never got to live he went to college for 2 days then diagnosed. It was time for him to get into trouble he was sick. I don't know what to do? Where to go? I don't feel like anyone understands? I don't know what to do.

I hate my life
Kim