In the early 80s, I lost my Grandmother. She was the rock of our Italian family coming over from Italy with my mother in 1930. I have lost people I knew, but no one that was very close. Someone you saw bascially every day and loved you so much. This was hard. Then in 1985, I lost my father. He had been very sick and I helped Mom take care of him. Even though that we knew some day his time would come, this was harder. Then in 1996, my Mother, my best friend, died in my arms and I thought that was the hardest of all, but I was wrong. November 7, 2009, my son Shane, age 33, died after laying down for a nap and never woke up. The Coroner said it was a rare and defected heart that was hard to detect. This is the ultimate loss. You are not suppose to bury your child. All of them died during the winter holiday season, so from Thanksgiving to Christmas has always been a bittersweet time.

Rejoicing in those we have and love and mourning those we loved that have passed on. We grieve because we have loved and was loved in return. We cry our sorrowful tears for their memories or joyful ones when we remember the times they made us laugh. We are lucky, even though it is hard now to see that, that we loved enough to hurt and was loved in return. We just must not ever think we can not love so much again because if we lose that love we will hurt again. The scars of the heart is a life that was lived and passion that was given.

I dont know who i am right now, i hurt, i am angry, i am confused, but i know i have a family to take care of and family and friends who try to take care of me. But we just want your loved ones around and you never want to let go. Shane brought into my life many joys. He brought in a wonderful daughterinlaw for me, a beautiful grandson and with his gifts of life someone can now see that was blind. My daughter had a wonderful brother, my grandchildren a fun uncle, my family a nephew/cousin that they got to know and have fun.

It is a difficult road to travel now.....

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Comment by annamarie on December 30, 2009 at 7:04pm
Thank you Tami for your note. I assume your picture is that of your son Joey. He is a very handsome young man. Yes, it does feel like you are going to go crazy at times. Your head actually feels like it is wheeling out of space somewhere. You can not grasp the conspect that your child is gone when just the other day you were getting a hug from him. Having the little ones to look after, his wife and my daughter, plus a big family plus work and friends, i do have the support, but they dont understand the long stares at nothing because i am remembering something, or the suddden tears out of no where, or not having patience with rude people or stupid difficult situations. You know you are not the only one to lose a child, but it is your memories, your pain, your child.

Hugs back to you my dear...
Comment by Tami on December 30, 2009 at 10:53am

I am so sorry to read about your son Shane. I lost my Son Joey at 18 June 2009, It is a terrible loss for any parent, It isnt supposed to be this way. I am having all of the same feeling you are having, I hope that you will come back here and write more, It really helps to know that you are not alone in your thoughts, I at first thought "Im going crazy!" but then I started this Loss of a Child and have read sso many stories that is has helped me realize that I am not crazy, I am just on an emotional roller coaster. I always tell people to please write here, good, bad, angry, happy, anything, we are all here to help in anyway we can, or we can just listen. My thoughts are with you and your family, I will think of Shane too. (I love that name) Hugs for you.

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