Feeling useless

I am a christian woman and raised my kids to be the same. I do not believe in suicide so let's get it straight. I picture Chris in Gods arms holding him and keeping him safe till I can get there but what I don't understand is why am I still here? My heart is so broken and my soul in sorrow. Most people tell me that with time things get easier but the heartake never goes away. I don't believe God's purpose for me is to live the rest of my life so miserable. Everyone is so full of advise but for the most part they have no idea how I feel. I don't think I have laughted in months. I find nothing funny nor do I feel like gettting out of bed. I just want to be left alone. I just want some answers. I want to remember my son the way he was and not what the cancer and chemo did to him. He haunts me everytime I close my eyes. Did I do enought for him? Did I fight hard enough for him? I sit here and pray to turn back the clock. Did I make a stand to the Dr's when they pretty much gave up on him and couldn't look me in the face? What could I have done? I sit here and I know if I had a do over it would be way different. I would not spair feelings I would fight,scream,yell and get a court order to put him on a ventalator so the meds had the time they needed to get in him. DID I Do enough???????????????????

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Comment by Kim on January 16, 2010 at 7:31am: Your son is beautiful. I say is because no matter where they are they are still with us. I just can't seem to get over this. People told me it would get easier with each passing day but I don't feel it getting easier just my grief growing. I want to hug and hold him one more time but I know if I did that it wouldn't be enough I would just want more and more. I try to picture Chris in heaven doing all that he loved but I just can't all I can feel or see is my longing for my son. Will this ever pass? I started writing here just to get some anger out and things out that I would never tell anyone out loud. I know on this web site I don't feel so crazy. People have had the same thoughts and feelings I have. I am tired and like u decided that busy was the way to go. I kept myself so busy I would sit for 5 minutes and fall asleep but all that did was run it did't make me miss him more.
I just don't understand why people ask do you have more children when they find out you lost one. It doesn't matter the others are not Chris. I will see or feel or hug my son again. I think that is the crulest commet that can be made. Will they saddness ever stop growing? I thank you for writing me I felt so all alone. I still feel so lost.

Comment by Tami on January 15, 2010 at 10:26pm: I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my Son Joey, the love of my life on June 22 09, in a motorcycle accident,he was 18, I started Loss of a Child page because I needed to connect with other parents that have lost a child to know that my feelings are not crazy... I am so sorry for the way you lost your Chris. I am sure that he knew that you were doing everything you could for him. I have not kept still since the day he passed, I have kept myself overly busy, because I am so afraid of what will happen if I dont keep busy...I have moments of complete despair, sometimes I think I will never be happy again. I come here a lot, I read a lot, I write a lot, It is easier here because we have all lost a child, no matter what age, they are our children. There are really good people here if you reach out they will help you, some have been going through this a lot longer then us and they know all about the feelings you are having. I wish I could hold you and let you just scream and cry. My thoughts are with you and Chris, I hold you in my heart.
Tami