MY Mom

I had a wonderful mom I lost her July 2009 I never imagined life without her, now I am living it, I think about my mom hour after hour now for almost 6 months, I dont know how my broken heart is still beating, I never experienced this kind of pain in my entire life and I am 48 years old death is something I will never understand. sure I go to church and I am catholic and I thought I always new or should I say believed what happened after you die but when it hits home like this I have to wonder....is my mom ok? mom and I were the closest out of all her 6 girls I am a single mom trying to stay strong for my 11 year old little girl who was my moms princess!!! theres not a day that goes by that she is on my mind constantly!!! My phone would ring everymorning faithfully at 9:15-9:30 and it would be her asking what are you doing today? (everyday! ) and she would call everynight without missing one night to say good night to me and my daughter. we were together on a daily basis. oh how I miss you mom!!!
I often ask her .....mom if there really is a heaven and god could you please ask him to let you whisper to me that you are ok and its ok for me to go on. but it never happens. and my phone never rings anymore at 9:15.

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Comment by JunePeony on January 21, 2010 at 2:55pm: Hi Cathy,

I'm glad you got my message. I did reply to yours some time last week but I guess it got lost in cyberspace along with a lot of my other replies. I will try emailing this and posting it your blog too just in case.

I just read your Jan. 11 blog about how your Mom use to call you in the morning. It turns out that we are both the same age and raised in the same faith. Admittedly I have become a lapsed Catholic over the years but I always have tried to live by the golden rule. Mom was lapsed too but not in her heart and she lived and sacrificed for her family. One look in her heart and there is no question she would be in heaven instantly.

My mother’s Mass was beautiful—almost like a high Mass and the homily was perfection. But now I find I need something more to see me through this pain. When Mom was sick I prayed and prayed for a miracle believing that one would happen. And it didn’t. Now I don’t know what to think or believe.

I called the parish priest this morning to see if he can offer some words of comfort for Dad and I. I don't really know what I am expecting though. But I will make an appointment and see if something he says penetrates the pain. Friends and family have offered masses for Mom and that has given me comfort to think of it. I know Mom would be pleased because it was the kind of thing she did when her close friends and family passed away.

Funny, I was speaking to Mom about an hour ago, just before I read your blog. As I imagined her in her favorite chair in the living room, I asked her to let me know that she’s okay and that I will see her again some day. I told her that I want to remember her with joy, not with pain and sorrow. But I really need to believe that she can see me now and that I will see her again someday. Some moments it’s easier to believe than others. She was my best friend and she was the one I would go to when I was in pain. So it’s hard to know that she is not here in the physical world. I feel like a child again.

Lisa (JunePeony)