I woke up with a huge hole in my heart this morning. I think I had a dream about Laura last night...but I can't tell if it actually happened or if I wanted it to have happened. It doesn't much matter because in the end it made me miss her again and it was all I could do to get out of bed and start the day.

I muddled through our morning routine...feeling that empty space all the while. I hated it. I wasn't the best dad either. I hated that too.

After the kids left for school the house was empty and quiet. It wasn't the comfortable escape kind of quiet...but the lonely kind. The kind that screams, "You're alone!" The hole was bigger...and I felt like hell.


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Comment by Andrew Koehn on February 9, 2010 at 2:45pm
Aw, Cindy...I wish I could "friend" you here so we could keep up more efficiently. (I wrote to someone to figure out how to fix that problem. I'll let you know what I find out.) Thanks for thinking of us...and I will continue to do the same for you. AK
Comment by Cindy McGregor on February 9, 2010 at 9:52am
Thanks Andy, I tuned in to your blog and got blessed again.You and your children have ran across my mind .My prayers go instantly to God on your behalf.May God still our minds.And softly bring us through this life.Breathe and enjoy your day by the grace of God.Cindy
Comment by Andrew Koehn on February 5, 2010 at 6:12pm
Ha! Yes...grant me patience but hurry! Love it. It does suck doesn't it. Still...hopefully you find those small moments when you can say, "I'm alive!" and build from there. Maybe notice them. Small at first...but will grow and help you along the way. Yes...I'm grieving. I don't like it one bit...but trust that it is here to help me somehow.

Here's a quote for you. You may not believe it...but I find when I need it I say it...and I feel a tad bit lighter:

"I am a perfect being in a perfect universe, where everything that happens benefits me completely." Kind of new-agey...but if it helps even a little we need to use it.

Write me whenever you want, Irene. I'll do the same.

Your bud,
Comment by Andrew Koehn on February 5, 2010 at 10:27am
Brigitte (love your name. sounds exotic...) I know you know...like everyone here...what it's like. All different for us...but all the same too. Life and that crazy paradox thing.

I talk to Laura ALL the time...just like you to your husband. I know our lives don't end after we leave this world...but sometimes I'd like a bit of advice from her...to hear it with my ears. I know it comes through my heart...but I just really want to hear her tell me to quit being such a baby sometimes...with my ears.

Thank you for sharing your story. I AM sorry...but it sounds like you are doing the same as me and so many others...going forward...still in love...and making him proud.

Have a great day...and thank you!
Comment by Andrew Koehn on February 5, 2010 at 10:23am
Irene...yes...I know who you are. (I can't seem to add friends here. I keep getting an error message but I sent a ticket to them...and hope to hear back soon.) Thankfully today I'm not in "uphill" mode...and these are the days to really get going and realize how great/lucky we are to have this time here.

Thanks for your support and words over the past few months...
Comment by Brigitte on February 5, 2010 at 10:00am

I just discovered your site and the words are strong and on point. My beautiful husband died July 17, 2009 and the hole in my heart is huge. So many times I have heard -- "it takes time" -- but no one can give me a timeframe and that is frustrating. But then I realize that not everything has to have a timeframe. We all grieve differently -- some more openly then others, some more private, and some appear to just pick up and go forward as thought nothing has happened. My husband's death has had a profound effect on me like nothing I have ever experienced. We were together for 31 years, married 26. He was and still is my best friend. Every day I feel less mournful because I have finally discovered that he is still with me and always will be a part of my life. The physical being is gone but his spirit is strong and vibrant. I feel it every day. It has taken 7 months for me to get to this point. I do a journal, I have attended bereavement groups at the local Hospice, and I talk to Douglas daily. Time will keep marching on and I choose to march with it. I am not leaving Douglas behind nor am I forgetting this wonderful and loving man. He is with me every step of the way -- and I know he is holding my hand! Keep going, Andrew, and know that Laura is behind you every step of the way and will catch you if you start to fall.

In peace,


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