My heart breaks for all grieving Mommas

To all who have lost a child,
I don't know what to say or how to say it as I am sitting here at my computer crying uncontrollably once again, not just for myself and my loss but for all of you that I read about and the desperation and grief I feel with you. My son turned 16 on Nov. 30th, 2009. He was the light of my life. My only reason to live this life. He gave to me joy, laughter, future, comfort, and a friendship that went beyond the 'parental' relationship. We did everything together - movies, shopping, card games, joking & chasing each other through the house - the things people do with friends. He was wise beyond his years and had goals for his future that he was preparing for. The impact to this community that he made during the 10 months we have lived here was remarkable. There is not a single person in our small community that had not been touched by my son's life. It was the greatest blessing of my life to have been allowed to be his "Momma". In the early morning of Dec. 6, 2009 I receivd a phone call from the police stating my son was in a bad accident and being tranaported to the local ER. Two days later on Dec. 8, 2009 @ 5:47 am - after being life-flighted to Salt Lake City Primary Childrens Hospital - he died. It is a gut-wrenching unbearable memory of what I saw in the hospital. I fainted when I first was allowed to see my son. The doctors tried to warn me, but nothing prepared me for my babies head injuries. I still have nightmares when I am ablw to sleep more than an hour at a time and I wake with such desperation unknown to man. My brother compares my son and I to that of the relationship between Jesus and his mother Mary, and what she would have emotionally gone through seeing her son torn apart in his torture. This is what it is for me. Unending torture, despair, grief beyond words - no descriptive words can be uttered to describe a mothers grieving soul. How in the name of God could he have allowed such ugliness and pain be put upon a young man who loved him so much? I have always been steadfast in my faith and trusted God, but the events that have occured this past year in my life are beyond my comprehension of Gods love.
Nothing helps me day or night. I want so badly to have my son back, but the sad truth is that death is final. It is not something that you can repair or change. God forbid that anyone else should suffer such pain and agony as a mother does in her loss.
My heart is with all "momma's" -
Laura

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Comment by Cathy on June 6, 2011 at 9:36pm: Laura, I read your post regarding your son's accident and how you had to let him go. I can certainly relate as I had to do the same thing after my son had an accident resulting in a severe head injury. I know exactly what you mean when you speak of that last heart beat and I still relive the moment the last bit of breath was released from his body. I realized too that my son was gone and I had to begin praying for God's will, not mine. I don't know about you, but at times I can't stop thinking about it. I was in shock at the hospital and throughout the funeral; everyone said I was strong, but it wasn't strength, it was total shock. My son was also wise beyond his years and taught me a lot about life. He was my friend as well as my son. We were buddies and we enjoyed being together and talking to each other. He would call us sometimes and when we had run out things to talk about, he just hung on the phone in silence; my husband and I often talked about that; it was like he never wanted to be the one to end the call even when he initiated it. I miss him so much as I know you miss your son too. The only peace I have is knowing he's in heaven and that this earthly life is just a journey that we all must pass through. His blog on his website is comforting; he had just returned from a mission trip to Ecuador and worked behind the scenes videotaping the entire trip to bring back to his church to encourage others to go this year. He was able to update his web site just weeks before his accident, which was just 3 days after my birthday - the last time I saw him as himself. Your expression of grief and what you had to deal with is so similar to mine that I hope we can be support for each other. May you be comforted in knowing that I do understand the desperation you feel.

Cathy ~ Charlie's Mom (www.333technologies.com - Charlie's website)

Comment by JoAnn Brozowski on April 15, 2011 at 3:07pm: Dear Laura - I lost my only child, my son Tyler, at age 24 on 01/26/10. I live with the torture, pain, despair and grief that you do. He, like your son, was my best friend as well as my son. I used to call us soul-mates. When he died, my soul died with him. I now live condemned to a living hell on earth. I can't believe there is anything else for me - he was my reason for living. My therapist tells me I will find a reason to live again, but I can't imagine this will ever happen. I miss him so much - his touch, smell, laugh, beautiful eyes, teasing, humor, intelligence. There are no other children, no grandchildren, no daughter-in-law to cherish in place of Tyler. There is nothing.

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

JoAnn

Comment by Mary Winburn on February 23, 2010 at 11:36am: Hi Laura,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my 22 year old daughter on December 29, 2009 in a car accident. Let me just say that I know your pain. Your relationship that you had with your son sounds EXACTLY like the relationship I shared with my daughter, Ashley. We were best friends. Talked about every, shared everything. She was my only child and my heart aches each and everyday for her (I'm also a single parent) so I'm totally alone now. I feel like I don't have a purpose in life anymore...which way do I turn, what do I do now??? are the things that I'm trying to figure out; she was my whole life. My world revolved around her. If you ever want to send me an e-mail, I can be reached at mwinburn@indiana.edu. Of course I'll come back here too, but I just joined and am not sure of how this whole thing works yet. It's nice to meet you, but sorry we met under these circumstances. Sincerely, Mary Winburn

Comment by Rev.James Durden on February 7, 2010 at 2:32am: Hi Laura,my heart goes out too you as your pain is so deep.Comprehension in trying times is very hard,I would like too say that God has received your son in all his fullness not in his injuries as the bible state that the flesh has no profit is the spirit that gives life,as terrible as it is I know that God loves you so much and there will be a day when you can hold your head up high and see the pain God must have felt when your son was taken by this physical tortue he suffered as he did when Jesus suffered under the hands of cruel men,you know that God has endured a lot of his saints being tortued and leaving this world.I know it's of little comfort but Stephen was stoned to death due to other people's hatred but yet he asked God to receive his spirit & forgive those that had done such a deed,as I'm sure that God received your son's Spirit that's the great part about it that your testimony is he loved the Lord and the bible say's in( Ps.116:15,16 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.O Lord truly I am your servant , the son of your maidservant;that Laura covers both of you for you have given life to the servant of the Lord.Laura my daughter died and the grief that that I feel is tremendous for she & I were as you and your son for she loved me so much that its hard for me to go on sometime as I sit and cry on the computer thinking about the stories I'm reading and the pain that goes through the hearts of those who have lost their child.I cry just looking at my daughter's pitcures always hearing her voice or reading her poetry that she wrote. There is a peom that her mom got and it's called; I'll Lend you a child by God.When we look at it God did lend us a child for us too take care of until the time he would come and call them home.I'd love for you too read this poem and I'll find a way to get it to you if I have to write it myself for you .It will only be for an observation as too how good God is and how he can come and heal our pain when we truly understand as too how much he has allowed us to have and share that which he gave.Laura all our our love goes out too you and your family in such a trying time and may the comfort of God fill your hearts .Much Love Rev. James Durden