We had a huge snowstorm here yesterday and our power went out around midnight. I was still awake because my sleep schedules are totally messed up, and when the power went out, I freaked. My first thought was "Dan's not here, what am I supposed to do??" even though I know darn well what to do. But my mind went to complete mush. I ended up calling my mom and asking her what I was supposed to do, did it, then spent the next hour and a half beating myself to a mental bloody pulp because I was such a stupid, worthless wuss who didn't even know what to do when the power went out. That's not the woman that Dan loved, and that's not the woman that Dan married. The woman he married was strong and smart and independent and able to take care of herself. But that doesn't feel like me anymore, and I hate it.
Maybe it's just because the day at work was a non-stop mess of one problem after another for nine hours, paired with really cruddy weather, and when I gave my manager a ride to his hotel (since his flight was cancelled) and he refused to let me drive because he didn't want me driving in the slushy slop of the roads. I know he meant well, and deep down I do appreciate it, but it didn't help me with the "I have to take care of myself now because Dan's not here to help me" identity that I need to develop if I want to survive this. So when the power went out I lost it.
I did have an interesting realization when he was driving, though. Usually I'm paranoid about letting anyone drive my car, and I'm not a good passenger - even moreso when the roads are bad. But a few minutes into the trip, I had a very Zen moment, when the thought "What's the worst that could happen?" went through my head. If he crashed my car, he made enough money to buy me a new one. If he crashed and I died... so what? My mom or my brother would take the dogs (they both love them) and I'd get to be with Dan again. The worst that could happen has already happened, and everything else pales in comparison. It was very freeing.
One of the forums that I'm on has a thread titled "What are you doing for Valentine's Day?" and the girls are all talking about their plans with their husbands and kids, and I'm trying really hard not to jump in bitterly and say "I'm going to the first meeting of the Widowed Persons Support Group." I don't know what to expect from the meeting, I'm hoping it helps because there are times that I don't know if I'm doing okay or not. I spent most of today in bed (work was cancelled because of the weather and roads) and slept for most of the afternoon. I ordered pizza and wings and ate it in bed. I watched the Opening Ceremonies for the Olympics from bed. I should have practiced my dance for my test tomorrow, but didn't feel like it. I don't even know if I'm going to bother going tomorrow to dance class... I might just spend the day in bed again.