This was not a good day. I slept miserably because I thought "I'll try to sleep without a pill" and as a result I was up every hour or so. This morning was the first time that I think I seriously considered suicide, to the point of looking stuff up online and thinking about what I had around the house, whether we had any bullets for the revolver, the realization that was too messy, but wait - there's a whole bottle of his hydrocodone in the medicine cabinet and wouldn't that be appropriate? That lasted a couple of hours, and even though I was pretty sure it wasn't going to happen, I still couldn't stop thinking about it.
Then I started having more strange, philosophical thoughts - what if there really is "something after this" and it's worse than what I'm going through right now? I'm not Christian, neither was Dan, so if there is something after this at least I'd be likely to wind up wherever he is. I don't believe in an afterlife, as in "our consciousness goes on in a manner that we recognize ourselves or others", but for the first time started wondering if I was wrong.