Over the past few weeks I've had so many people tell me that I'm strong, that I'm doing well, that they admire how I'm handling things, that they're proud of me. I didn't realize there was another option. If I don't at least pretend to be strong in front of others then it means I'd spend all my time in misery, instead of just the time I spend by myself. And the only solution I see to that is blowing my brains out, which isn't much of a choice.

I'm rollercoastering today, and I know it. Part of today was fine, part of today was miserable, part of today was me lashing out at people with passive-aggressive Facebook status update, and part of today was using it as a venting board to get stupid, destructive ideas out of my head. I don't have Dan here to verbalize them to, so typing them to FB is the substitute. I suppose I could have a conversation with Dan even though he's not here, but that still hurts too much... I'm still trying to come to grips with him being gone. I can imagine his hugs and still feel them, but the conversations are still too painful unless I'm crying and can feel him soothing me and rubbing my back.

This post isn't even making sense.