I learned something about myself today. I have an overactive, paranoid imagination that I'm going to have to keep a tight rein on for a while. A friend of mine on FaceBook posted in her status "seriously not feeling well.. something is just not right.. hate to admit it, but i need to see a doctor.. really freaked out.." and I immediately thought that she was in serious trouble and needed a doctor RIGHT NOW, and tried texting and calling and was imagining her sitting at her computer having a heart attack or something.
That wasn't the case - she was just overly stressed from the past few days and was commenting that the stress was piling up on her and manifesting physically and she needed to get in to see the doctor. But that's not what I thought.
It didn't help that today is one month (by date) that I lost Dan. The weird thing is, that didn't even register until very late in the day. "Tuesdays" are significant for me... "the 19th" not so much. I'm not sure if it's going to stay that way or not, but I may be more hypersensitive to it now. Dan's birthday and my FB friend's birthday are exactly one month apart (May 3 to June 3). My birthday and her boyfriend's birthday are exactly one month apart (Dec 25 to Jan 25). As soon as I realized what the date was I was like "We are NOT having another 'exactly one month apart' milestone, do you understand me??" So the last hour or so at work was not fun. Once I knew she was okay, I had a horrible case of the shakes and had to remember to simply breathe for a few minutes. I think because it was so close to the end of the day, I didn't cry in my car like I had the other days.
I stopped by the cell phone store on the way home, because they needed a copy of the death certificate in order to update the account and take Dan's line off. Yesterday I had to take a copy of the certificate to the bank to grant me access to the bank account that's in his name only. I suppose next week I need to start calling the credit card companies and get his name taken off those accounts, too... I don't know.
I do know that it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. This is not the way I want to start my weekend, because this is basically how I started last weekend, and I don't want to go there again. I have appointments tomorrow for my hair and a massage, I am also going to hopefully have my free 7-day trial membership at the local health club, so I can see if that's something I want to do. March 1st I am going to go back to dance class. I need to get out of the house instead of coming home and sitting on the couch till 1 in the morning doing nothing but surfing on the computer.
The thing about sitting on the computer is it means that I don't have to think. I realized that tonight when I was looking at pictures and suddenly seeing the pictures from karaoke were like a stab in my heart. I don't want to feel that way, so if I avoid it I don't have to deal with it. Except I know it doesn't work that way. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to cope, so until I have that question answered, I'll keep the pain at bay through avoidance or something.