I'm sitting here watching some mindless TV and somehow it feels "normal", and then I got wondering if I'm intentionally shutting away what it felt like to have him here? Because if I don't think about what it was like to have him, then it doesn't hurt as much to realize I don't have that anymore? Like the last 17 years happened to someone else, or were in a nobel or something. That I'm not that person. Which I know is selling our relationship short - what we had was wonderful and special and something that not everyone gets to experience... which is why it hurts so much to realize it's gone, and why I don't want to think about it. But I don't know if that's doing any good or not???

I need to get a personal therapist for some one-on-one time, because I need to talk to someone about this. The group is nice, but I know that I could easily do all the talking, and I have to be conscious of that and make an effort not to "take over". If I had someone that I was paying, then I wouldn't have to feel any guilt or discomfort about just unloading for an hour - after all, that's what they get paid for (that sounds horrible but that's the way I have to look at it).

I'm just so f*cked up.

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