What to do now.......

Almost another month has went by and it still hurts as much today as it did when it first happened. I miss my son so much sometimes I can't breath. Flash backs of how sick the dr's made him still haunt me. I still see him taking his last breaths. I just can't get past it. He didn't want to go he fought so hard. I feel maybe I didn't fight hard enough for him. I should have stood up to the dr's and his dad and put him on the ventilator to see if the meds would continue to work. But I just didn't have the strength. Everyone tells me I done all I could. A lawyer told me the same thing. I just can't get it off my brain I should have fought for him I should have raised hell. I should have went and got a court order to make them keep giving him the meds. I should have done so much. When this battle of leukemia started I told myself I would walk away knowing I done all I could do for him with no regretts but now it is all I have. I should have fought for him. I sat by his bed side for years. I always said He didn't have cancer we did. He was mine I gave him life and I would see him through this and I didn't. I cried I begged and pleaded with the Dr's and his dad to no avail he was not going to be put on the vent. He had told the Dr he didn't want one but I am not so sure he really knew that if he didn't go on it he would die. I didn't have the heart to talk to him and make sure he knew. I just prayed begged and pleaded with God I just wanted God to take me instead of him. He was suffering so much and the minute I told him it was ok for him to go to God he did. He died that second. I miss him so much. He was my son my best friend and I should have done so much more. I want to scream. I cry all the time. I constantly think about him. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I really just don't think it is fair for any of us to see our beautiful kids go. We are their mothers we shouldn't have to live like this knowing we lost something so dear. I feel like God just loaned him to me. I wanted so much for him. I wanted to be a nana to his kids I wanted him to have the perfect life everything I couldn't give him. God has plenty of angels why did he take mine? I know we all ask ourselves the samething. I always thought mom's with special kids or kids with cancer were chosen by God because we could take it. We were stronger than most. We could do anything and take anything. I feel so useless, so lost so hurt. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like nobody understands and for the most part nobody really cares. They are sorry and feel bad for the family but they really just don't care. Out of sight out of mind. But I live this everyday over and over where did I go wrong. Why did I trust the Dr's so much? I could have and should have done so much more the very regrette I didn't want to have I live with. Would it made a difference I don't know but I wouldn't be sitting here wondering and crying if I had done enough.

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Comment by Kim on February 24, 2010 at 10:16am: u are like me. I can't say my Chris is d--d. I believe he just went to heaven. I am glad my message may have helped someone. But I don't know what to do. My Chris was only called Christopher when he was in trouble. I search for the answers and try so hard not to blame God but it just hurts so much. I always considered myself a very stronge woman. I was divorced and raised all 3 of my kids alone. I never remarried but now I feel like a baby. I just can't get myself going. I can just sit on the couch or in my room for hours or days on end. I just don't believe God intended life to be like this. I envision God carring me now. The Foot Prints in the sand is hanging so I can go on. Life is so hard right now. I don't have a beautiful answer for you either but it seems like you have a wonderful son. He obeyed his parents and done the right thing. I don't think we will have the answers here. Life is full of mystery but this is way to hard to face everyday.

Comment by Kim on February 23, 2010 at 1:26pm: Hi Kim,

It's funny how God works sometimes. I've not been on this board for months because it did not help me, but made me feel even more sad. I went to my email box the other night and deleted every email from Legacy Connect; I did not want to be part of this board anymore. Today, I checked my email and there was a message from Legacy Connect. One that I missed when I was clicking "delete". That message was about a post you made on January 27th. It caught my attention because my name was in the message, along with my son's name; then I realized it wasn't mine and my son's name, but another Kim who named her son Chris.

On Friday, September 18, 2009 my Chris (I always called him Christopher) left this earth. Christopher was 16. For me, life seemed to stop. It's been five months since he's been gone. We still question everything. We've gone through all of the scenarios, and there is no reason for him to have wrecked that night. We did what we thought was right by making sure he had a good sturdy truck to drive, so that if there ever was an accident, he would be safe. We talked to him about driving safely, always stressed wearing his seatbelt, forbade talking on his cell phone while driving, wouldn't allow him to have text on his phone so he couldn't even be tempted to text and drive. And what is so bizzare is: he was not speeding, talking on his cell phone, or texting; he was wearing his seatbelt, his air bags deployed like they should have. There was no reason for his accident other than it was all part of God's plan. Knowing all of this, we still have those questions in our heads: Did we do enough? And the answer always seems to be No, because if we had, he'd still be here. Logically, I know that's probably not true, but logic does not play well in matters of the heart. I know our circumstances are different, but I do share your feelings, thoughts, and regrets. Please hang in there, and if you need to talk, I'll be here to listen. I'm sorry that I don't have beautiful words of advice or nice poems to make you feel better. I can only offer my friendship and tell you what I've been doing / thinking / feeling since my Christopher went to heaven.