Almost another month has went by and it still hurts as much today as it did when it first happened. I miss my son so much sometimes I can't breath. Flash backs of how sick the dr's made him still haunt me. I still see him taking his last breaths. I just can't get past it. He didn't want to go he fought so hard. I feel maybe I didn't fight hard enough for him. I should have stood up to the dr's and his dad and put him on the ventilator to see if the meds would continue to work. But I just didn't have the strength. Everyone tells me I done all I could. A lawyer told me the same thing. I just can't get it off my brain I should have fought for him I should have raised hell. I should have went and got a court order to make them keep giving him the meds. I should have done so much. When this battle of leukemia started I told myself I would walk away knowing I done all I could do for him with no regretts but now it is all I have. I should have fought for him. I sat by his bed side for years. I always said He didn't have cancer we did. He was mine I gave him life and I would see him through this and I didn't. I cried I begged and pleaded with the Dr's and his dad to no avail he was not going to be put on the vent. He had told the Dr he didn't want one but I am not so sure he really knew that if he didn't go on it he would die. I didn't have the heart to talk to him and make sure he knew. I just prayed begged and pleaded with God I just wanted God to take me instead of him. He was suffering so much and the minute I told him it was ok for him to go to God he did. He died that second. I miss him so much. He was my son my best friend and I should have done so much more. I want to scream. I cry all the time. I constantly think about him. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I really just don't think it is fair for any of us to see our beautiful kids go. We are their mothers we shouldn't have to live like this knowing we lost something so dear. I feel like God just loaned him to me. I wanted so much for him. I wanted to be a nana to his kids I wanted him to have the perfect life everything I couldn't give him. God has plenty of angels why did he take mine? I know we all ask ourselves the samething. I always thought mom's with special kids or kids with cancer were chosen by God because we could take it. We were stronger than most. We could do anything and take anything. I feel so useless, so lost so hurt. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like nobody understands and for the most part nobody really cares. They are sorry and feel bad for the family but they really just don't care. Out of sight out of mind. But I live this everyday over and over where did I go wrong. Why did I trust the Dr's so much? I could have and should have done so much more the very regrette I didn't want to have I live with. Would it made a difference I don't know but I wouldn't be sitting here wondering and crying if I had done enough.
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