I've never felt this way before. I keep waiting to feel better, and on some days I do, but then, this overwhelming, suffocating grief returns to me. I have a lot of emotions that I don't know what to do with and a lot of thoughts that are scary to me. I've had people pass away before that I was close to and loved dearly, but never this close. This was my mother. This is the person who knew me the best, the one person I could tell my secrets to, and she would understand and love me the same. Now that is gone. I feel guilty because I was in denial about the cancer. I thought I could pray it away. I just made myself believe that she would always be there no matter how sick she became. I thought it would go away. I think that if I wouldn't have been in denial, I wouldn't have wasted so much time trying to keep everything normal, I could have listened to any fears she may have had. Instead, I'm left feeling like I should have spent more time with her than I did (even though I only live ten minutes away). I feel like I should have stayed by her bedside and never left to go to work or anywhere. I also feel like she was being strong for me because that's what she knew I needed, when I should've been the one being strong for her. I feel guilty because I began to lose my faith, wondering why God would do this to her. Why? She wasn't a bad person. She went out of her way to help anyone. She was a wonderful mother to us and wife to my dad. And I prayed so much for him to heal her and allow me to keep her but that didn't happen and it hurts. I've never felt a hurt like that. I think about my own children, and don't want them to feel like that ever. It's too much. I still have some of her clothes in my closet. Some, my dad gave to me to wear. My mother and I used to swap clothes quite a bit (she was a really hip lady) and I guess he figured that would help me. I kept them, even the ones I couldn't wear, because I could smell her perfume on them. Well, she's been gone for almost 8 months and I realized I can't smell her fragrance anymore and that makes me cry even as I type this. What can I do? I love her so much! I'm used to speaking to her everyday, and this hurts.