Every morning it is worse. I wake up when I do not want the day to ever come. I try to breathe and can barely open my chest. The weight is crushing. Cayden or Reese come in. They are loud, they want breakfast. Cayden is being hyper trying to make everyone laugh. I just want them to go away. How can I be wishing they would go away when all I want is my baby daughter here. I do not want to live. All I want is my baby.

The girls go downstairs and they echo in the foyer. It is all wrong, Emmie's squeals of laughter are missing. Cayden tells me how much fun her little cousin, the same age as Em had at the Children's museum yesterday. I cry harder. Emmie would have loved it. She loved adventure, why can she not take anymore. What would I tell her? I picture her saying "I come too??" How do I face every day without her.

Scott wants to go to South River to talk to the teacher about Cade coming back on Monday. Then Reese will go back to her school. I know they need to resume their lives and not sit here watching their mother sob while wrapped in a blanket but then I will be alone. I can't help them when they are here but I have never been alone. I have had a child with me always for the past 7.5 years. How will I pass the three hours every morning when I have no one? How will I deal once they come home and need something from me. I have nothing to give, I am not here.

Sometimes when people die the living block them out. It is the opposite for me. Em is my every thought, every breathe. I can not think of anything else. I trace her handprint in the clay over and over. I want to feel the pudgy warmth. Her cheeks, her thighs, her love. Without it I am so cold. I want to die.

Reese is mommy this and daddy that. Can't she see we are not here, we have nothing to give her.

We went and said goodbye to Emmie yesterday. I clung to her little body for hours just trying to warm it. If the shear force of love and pain could bring someone back she would live a thousand lives. I warmed her body with mine until she felt like my baby, she is my baby forever, she is me, I am with her, I am not here, I can not live.

We decided to cremate her. Who makes that choice for their baby? I went to the cemetery but I know I can not leave her there, I will keep her with me. We both bought neckalces that will hold a tiny bit of her ashes, every day, close to our hearts- can you imagine that- wearing your child around your neck? I want to die.

The girls want clothes, they want to get dressed. The idea of getting clothes together is insurmoutable. I can't breathe how do I move.

Friends have been told to stay away. I spoke to a grief counselor last ngiht and she says I can not do that, I need to not shut people out. How? I don't care about anything. I am resentful, why me? I grew up without a mom and now as a mom I will grow up without my child? How can this be real? How can I come back? The counselor tells me the road is long and hard but I will smile again. I will find happiness, it will be different but it will be there. I think she is lying.

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