I don't know why I am typing this, like maybe if someone understands my loss it will help, but it won't, nothing will. I lie in bed or wander the house at night just praying the sun doesn't rise, the day doesn't start. I do not want to live, to be here without my baby. I see no way to continue on without her light in my life. I know that for Cayden and Reese I have no choice but to get up and go through the motions but I am not here, I am a broken shell and I just want to be swept away, I have no will to continue. I hold them and tell them I love them but I am numb. I feel like not only did they lose their sister but their mother too. I am gone. People say time will pass and you will not forget but you will learn to live again. I do not see how. My every thought is Emerson. I can not cook turkey because she loved to dip it in gravy, I can not put on deoderant because she used to stand beside me putting "hers" on, I can not go the bathroom because she will not barge in to hand me my toilet paper, I can not eat because I can not nourish a body that doesn't want to live, I can not breathe because she can not breathe so I no longer want to.
Emerson was my light. I love all the girls but she lit me up. She was so passionate about her love. She would run at me full force saying "mama, mama, mama, I missed you SOOOO much" even when I had been gone for minutes. Every morning she would get me up way to early saying "I come in mama's bed" and she would snuggle into me and put her baby hand on my cheek and say "I love you so much!", not just "I love you" but "sooo much". She gave kisses and hugs so freely just more open then the other two. And she had such a sense of humor, playing off her sisters and uniting a sometimes tumultuous front. We had so many plans, things we could not wait to experience with her my future is gone with hers, I do not want to continue.
How do I make sense of this. The medical examiner called and can not find a cause of death. She was perfect. They say it is like SIDS except that she was much older. THe "what ifs" shatter me. What if we didn't put her in for a nap, What if we had gone to wake her up at another time. Everyone tells us there is nothing we could have done but then how do I protect my other children, how does a heart that is shattered in a million pieces continue to love what it has left? How do I convince myself there is anything left because I just feel empty, I would give anything for a way out.
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