Today I am almost numb. We had Emmie's memorial service and now there is not a lot more to do for her. I keep having to remind myself this is real, I am really not going to raise this child, she is really gone. I thought I had accepted it but I feel my mind pulling back from the truth. This can not be real it is just too horrifying, too painful. I pick up my camera and there is a picture from last week. She is being a goof in the tub, she is fine, how is this happening?

The confusion makes it so much worse. Was something wrong I did not know about. I took every precaution. Every check up, vaccination, breastfeeding, bike helmets (even at the age of 2 on a tricycle), etc. How did I not protect her.

Our immediate family came to the service. They cried, they are sad, but not like me. THey went home to their regular lives happy to escape the opression of our grief. They talked of home improvements and sports at lunch while I clung to the pendant with Emmie's ashes in it that now hangs from my neck for eternity.

We took Cayden and Reese to the beach. I figure I can huddle in a ball and the waves will drown out the noise from my sobs. I watch them play and think that is not my family. We are a family of 5, not 4. Em is missing. She should be running at me telling me the waves are scary and insisiting to sit on my lap. My body is so cold without her to warm it.

I know we should love all our children equally and of course I do, but my good friends will tell you I always would say that Em was my favorite. I did not mean favorite in the true sense of the word. I guess I mean more like different. We love all our children equally, but different, each gives us something different - Emerson gave me what I needed most. Her love was so intense for me that I let mine be just as strong for her, no holds barred...and now nothing is left of me. I have always had a hard time giving my heart fully. Since my mom died when I was a child I always hold a piece for protection, but I gave that piece to Em a long time ago. I hated growing up as the girl whose mom died....now I am the mom whose girl died and I do not want to grow up anymore, I want my time here to be done.

Last night I could not sleep. I needed to hold something of Em's. Her blanket has still not been returned to us so I found her stuffed monkey Boots. At 35, I wrapped myself around him and begged to sleep for even a couple hours just to make the time pass.

That is all it is now. Waiting for the hours to go by. One day is just going to run into the next and into the next. There is just nothing to look forward to, no hope. It is so unfair to Reese and Cayden. I should be looking forward to things for them that I would have been had this not happened, they are still here, but they are just not enough, I know that is awful. Cayden asked me today, "Why do you only love Emerson?". I tried to explain to her that I loved them all my heart is just broken right now but I could see the dissapointment in her eyes. I am hurting the children I have left but I do not know how not to.

And I am so angry now, for Emmie. WHY does she not get to live her life? She loved every minute of it. She just wanted to be a part of everything, never thinking she may be too small. I hear her in my head saying "I come too?" and I feel like I have told her NO, no you can not come and continue your life with us! Can you imagine this kind of pain. I feel like I have hurt her so much, like somehow I am not allowing her to be here, like somehow she no longer knows that I love her, she is my world. I would trade myself a thousand painful deaths to give her the chance to live.