It is a beautiful day out today. I think of all my friends families, planning their day out to get some fresh air. I want to stay in bed and that is only secondary to my first choice which is to not be here at all. I guess today is the day we are supposed to start trying to live. The services are over, there is nothing more I can do for Em, but I know I can not live.

Scott is doing a better job than me. Even if he is faking it at least he is faking it. I don't even want to try. I feel like any movement in a positive direction dishonors Em, like she won't know that losing her has destroyed me. I just keep asking why??? There is no reason. She was not hurt, she did not drown, she wasn't sick. I realize that regardless she would still be gone but she was perfectly healthy. How do I know tomorrow it will not be Cayden or Reese? How do I make any sense of this? Was there something wrong I could have caught? Could I have saved her? I failed her. My magical little girl is gone and there is nothing I can do to make myself whole.

I have shut all my friends out. I am so lonely. I have no little one constantly hounding me for my undivided attention. I miss my closest friends, if only for someone to talk to but I don't know how to talk to them, they can not understand my pain. As mothers we always say how we can not imagine going on after the loss of a child, but this pain and feeling of complete and utter loss of hope or any desire to continue is so all encompassing it is not anything anyone can even fathom to imagine. Friends say they want to help me but I turn the tables. I think of how uncomfortable it would be to sit there, even with a friend you care about the most while they are in this kind of pain and there is nothing you can do or say. How do you pass the time together? What do you talk about?

I know as days go by people will start to mention Em less. Like bringing up her name will bring up bad memories and pain. How do I make people understand that I want to hear her name. Every day for the rest of my life. Except for the last one, all my memories with Emmie are of the happiest, most loved days of my life. The days I want to go back to. I want her to always be spoken of. She is my daughter, always. I will always have three daughters. When people ask my how many children I have Emerson will always be included. I will not pretend she was not here because it makes others uncomfortable.

People keep saying to focus on the two daughters I have left. I know they need me but I just do not know how to be here for them. I ever realized how much I looked at our family as a whole. Without Emmie it just doesn't work any more. Cade and Reese are going back to school tomorrow. They need the routine, the opportunity to learn and play. I will sit here alone. Scott will be here this week but my morning routine is gone. Everyday after dropping Reese off me and Em went to Starbucks where I got coffee and she got Punky bread (pumpkin bread). I can not even think of going there without her.

I wonder if Emmie had any idea. Does she know how much I loved her. That I would give me own life a million times over to have her back. I keep picturing her thinking I chose to not take her on my journey through life. Like somehow she thinks I didn't want her. How can someone so tiny hold all of this power. My 2.5 years with her changed me forever. She opened me and made me such a happier person. How am I to continue on without her?

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Comment by sharon on March 12, 2010 at 10:50am
I am glad you are writing, it is helping me see a little bit into you. Steve and I have been talking about Emerson- a lot. We love her too, I have pictures of her on my screensaver and my heart stops everytime one of hers comes up. I cry while I read what you write. I can never understand what this is like. But know the Emerson will never be forgotten by anyone who new her. I miss talking to you, about things that I am not sure you will ever care about again, losing Emerson will redefine our friendship, but I am determined that I will get a part of you back some day- I don't know in what form that will be. I worry about you constantly. I vow to you that within our families, Emerson will always be a part of our lives. How can she not, she was the sweetest cuddliest little girl. I have always said- but maybe not too you, how amazed I am by the kind of mother you are. You make it look effortless, your 3 girls know how much you love and adore them. I don't know what else to say.

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