I have heard of woman having stillborn babies and leaving the hospital empty. Empty womb, empty arms. That is how I feel, except that I know what I am missing. I know who my little girl was. I know that she was so very special. I know that she has an insane love for fun and people. All her little phrases just keep running through my head. I feel so empty, used up, barren. From the time I knew we were expecting Emmie I did everything to ensure her health and safety. I did everything right while pregnant even refusing the xray I needed when my pubic bone separated for fear of shooting radiation at her little head, even though the doctors said it was safe, that I needed it, I would not risk my baby. I breastfed, even when I wanted my own body back. If she was sick I sat up with her for fear she might choke. I always made sure she was safe. It wasn't a selfless act, it was selfish too because I was protecting my own heart, I knew she held it. I was keeping us both safe. I poured everything I had into her and now she is gone and I just feel so used up, like my body did what it could but failed me, failed her.

She would be sooo sad to not be here. Is she somewhere with a broken heart like mine? How do you protect a child you can no longer hold. How do I live my life without my heart, it is a vital organ, shouldn't I be gone too. I have always feared dying young now I feel like I will "live" forever. Tormented without my baby. I know I need to get it at least a little bit together for Cayden and Reese or they will be lost to this tragedy as well. I do not know how to. I couldn't save Emmie, can I save them, save me?

Every night before I go to bed I check everyone's breathing. This is not new, I always have. If I get into bed at night and forget I have to get up again, even if it will wake me up, I can't sleep if I don't do it. In the morning I never breathe right until I hear noise from all 3. I have always had this weird fear of one of them dying in their sleep. A fear I have found that is not the norm among parents of older children- did I somehow know? I didn't or I would have never slept, I would have watched over them every night. I would never risk losing them. Should I sleep now? Are Cade and Reese safe? Sleep, when I can get some, which is only an hour here or there at least makes the clock move.

Something like this can sprial. On one hand I have to laugh. There is nothing worse than losing a child. What could spiral? But may marriages do not survive such a loss. Then what is left of my family would be broken even more. Scott and I have promised to make sure that does not happen, but we are not the same people, there are no guarantees. I was too happy. Too proud of my family, and for that I feel like I was punished.

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