I am still so tired of missing my son. I want to see him. I want to hold him. I want to talk to him. He has been gone 3 months now and it still hurts so bad I can't stand myself. I am a changed person I am a mother with empty arms because of one her kids are going never to be seen on this earth again. Anger naa I am not mad I am hurt. I want my family to whole again. I want to just sit and have dinner with my family again. If you all knew Chris Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday. Which makes it hard for me to cook or eat. I know how much he loved my cooking. I cooked yesterday and it tore my heart out. I am so glad that my daughter moved in I think without them I would have killed my self grief would have taken over and I would have had no control over it.
I have been spring cleaning my house and I noticed the other day that I picked all his favorite colors to put on the trim. I feel so out of sorts like I can't do anything right. Nothing is funny. Nothing makes me happy. I am just taking up space in this life. Why did God take him and leave me here? God should have taken me instead of him. He had something to give to the world but I don't I just take up space and air. Will I ever laugh again? Will life be worth living? I hate being and feeling this way.