It happened. I slept last night, maybe for 5-6 hours. I woke up thinking it was all a dream, the worst nightmare imaginable. I was so greatful. I looked at the clock and the light in the room and was waiting for Emmie to start her morning ritual of yelling for me when all I wanted to do was sleep. Then I felt the necklace. This can not be true, I can not live this life. The despair is overwhelming.

The kids are going back to school. Scott is driving them there but needs me to get their stuff together. I tell him I will get out of bed and help. I do but I go through the motions like I am sleepwalking. I barely acknowledge Cade and Reese, they need me to love them but they are gone now. I guess I will crawl back into bed. The house is quiet and I am alone. None of the familiar morning sounds. Dora the Explorerer, Em begging for chocolate milk. Just silence. I have to find Reese's snow boots, instead I find Em's. She thought she was so cool to have boots like her sisters. They only got worn once or twice. What do I do with them? She has tons of beautiful stuff. What will I do with it all? I will keep some things, always but the other stuff? I should donate it but it is hers, I do not want another child to have it. I know these are crazy thoughts, what does it matter, nothing matters.

Right now Scott is supporting me but I can see in his eyes that he is worried I will never fuction again. He lost his baby, how can he lose his wife too, he doesn't want to be Mr. Mom. I do not know how he is faking it. He tells me he is pouring all he has left into the other two, that they need us and Emmie would want us to take care of them. He is right, the old me would see that, I am just not here. He wants me to call a friend for coffee, get some support, get out of the house. I tell him I am going back to bed, there is no one here to care for.

Sometimes for a minute I can breathe. Then I think, really think of the reality for a minute before my mind slams the horrifying door shut. How will I never hold her again, watch her grow, learn thrive. I do not want to live without Emmie, I do not want to be this person, live this life. It is not enough, it will never be enough. I could fill this house with a dozen more children and there will always be a gaping hole in my heart.
The grief counselor says it gets worse before it gets better. I can not see it being any worse. I have no will to live, how can it get worse? If it gets ay worse then I really will not come back. That does make me sad, I do not want Cayden and Reese to lose me too, I just do not know how to help myself.

I accidently clicked onto Facebook. Immediately my page came up. There are a bunch of pictures of my sister and her family enjoying the day yesterday. Huge smiles, happy family. Don't they know their niece is dead, do they really feel nothing? Are we really that alone in this world. I see my niece the same age as Emmie and think how much Em would have loved to run around yesterday. This beautiful stretch of weather is mocking me. Telling me spring is coming and the world could care less about you.

I am so dehydrated. I drink but the tears come some fast I can not keep my mouth wet. My body is exhausted, why will it not just shut down. Who am I? I have lost my identity. I am the mom of three daughters. I am raising my girls, that is who I am, my proudest accomplishment. That has been taken from me and I am lost.