Today we got back home after being gone for the last four days for Gary's memorial service in Omaha. The service was quite nice. Lots of people showed up (I forgot to get a guest book, darn it) and lots of folks had very nice things to say about Gary. They told stories, mostly about his generosity, which was legendary, I believe, and they told jokes that he told them. He was always so much fun, and so funny. He could ignite a room with his wit and he was always the smart one in the bunch, too.

I know that he didn't choose to leave me, but I feel totally abandoned. Many of the people at the service told me to stay in touch, that they wanted to be there for me and that I should call them anytime I might need to. I graciously accepted their kind words and I will try to call them when the emotions get so overwhelming that I need to talk to someone. Many family members and friends are really concerned, I think. I appreciate that completely. It does mean a lot to me that they want to be there for me. But my Gary is gone, and I can't get him back and all the tears and condolences and jokes in the world won't change it.

I know that my husband knew he was loved. I also know how much he loved me. I would be doing him a disservice to think that I was the only one that feels the pain of his loss. He was an important man to many people, which was obvious at his memorial. He was special and he will be missed.

The house feels incredibly empty without him here. My son and his girlfriend are here, so I'm not alone. But this big house seems to have lost all its warmth and character. He never got to enjoy this house and really there are very few memories of US here. We lived here just two short weeks together before his death. With the weather being so awful this winter, neither of us wanted to go out into it much, so we stayed in. He would sit at the end of the couch watching tv, playing a video game or just talking to me. I loved how he talked to me. I could listen to him for hours if he would have let me. He was content to just be with me, unlike any person I've ever known.

And now there's emptiness in my soul like the emptiness of the house where we were to live together for so much longer. I miss him and I still can't believe that he's really gone. Where did my husband go???

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