One week ago our baby girl and love of our life passed away in her sleep at only 28 months. She had been completely healthy. We had zero warning. I went up to get her from a nap as I had done many times and since then nothing but horror. Cayden (7) and Reese (5) were home at the time and saw me come down screaming call 911. They saw the grief and horror on my wife's face. They saw the police. They saw the ambulance. They pleaded with fate to allow her to come back and they would give up anything. Emerson was adored by her sisters. Even as the baby she was the one that could get them to stop fighting. She was in the thick of it all the time.

The overwhelming grief of the last week has been so hard on all of us. We couldn't bury her and went with cremation. My wife and I now wear charms to keep her close to our heavy hearts. I already have a daily ritual where my BlackBerry alerts me at 11:03 and I kiss the charm. The time is her birthday 11/3/2007.

Reese (5) is mourning her sister properly. She acknowledges that she loves her sister and misses her. She talks about her freely and talks about needing her. We had a small ceremony with only grandparents, aunts and uncles. We had a priest say a few short prayers then had a slide-show set to sad music. Reese wailed openly as did my wife and I.

Which brings me to Cayden (7). She was openly upset when it happened but since has dried up and will directly tell us that she is keeping it in and will not let herself be sad. I read her some grief books but she's a tough nut to crack. A woman in a grief chat tonight told me her daughter was similar but hid a bunch of items from her sibling. Cayden being a pack rat makes me wonder if she'll do the same.

My wife and I are on egg shells. We are just dealing with things differently and are both just so afraid the other will tire of dealing with the other. I just want to console her and take the pain away but I'm so afraid to push her away. I know she needs her space but she also needs her friends more than she thinks. I'm so afraid we are not going to be able to bring her back. She's always been the best mom and now her apathy makes me so fearful.

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Comment by EmersonLily1103 on March 18, 2010 at 11:49am
I'm glad you all have faith and I've resisted commenting and saying what I really feel but the anger I feel when I read this is more than I can handle. Thank you for your condolences but god is dead to me.
Comment by Elizabeth Connelly on March 18, 2010 at 8:53am
Please! I beg you to read this book by Randy Alcorn called Heaven. You will be totally amazed and comforted. It hurts so badly this horrible suffering but I found so much healing in this book. For now you and your family are without a doubt, living on borrowed srength. Please accept Jesus as your Lord and know that you are going to run towards that child when Heaven merges with the New and restored Earth and resurrected & glorified bodys! You will kiss and hug your beautiful little Angel again, but this time it will be 4-Ever. My prayers and blessings for comfort and healing are with you. Also watch for signs they are a blessing and they occur quite often. Some are suttle and some are WOW! Sounds crazy and appears to others as if you are grasping at straws, but right now grasp at that and the reality that we miss them terribly here but pray to God to send her in dreams that you can remember and I've done it, this works and you actually get to spend time with her even if only for a moment to kiss her precious face. God bless your family, especially the young ones. It is the most difficult challenge you will ever have to face and reach out with groups like this and see if there is a GRIEF SHARE 13 week program offered at your local church. My heart goes out to you. My 13 year old grandson went home to the Lord recently. Waaaaaaaaaay 2 soon. His name is Philip N. Connelly. Miss him like crazy but I'm starting to breathe every now and then a little bit easier. That cemented truck in my heart must have dumped a concrete load some where because I actually felt a teensy bit of true laughter the other day. I pray you have a wonderful day and please try to read that book. It really is miraculous!
Comment by GUARDAIN_ANGELS on March 16, 2010 at 9:57pm
your wife and your self..need to sit in her room alone... look at each other and tell eachother your best memories of your baby.. the fun times..her funny storys .. the day she was born..every day of her life leading up to her death.. after you have laughed... and smiled.. remember the love she gave you both... that was a special gift.. you both love her..and miss her.. u have lots of guilt and blamb.... take all that negative energy and get rid of it.. you both created this life together out of your deepest love the kind you cant destroy but make stronger.. hug eachother listen to each other let each one talk with out interupting the other.. feel eachothers pain.. realize that everyone grieves different ... dont discriminate agenst eachother because they feel in a different way.embrace eachother ...heal eachother .. before you try to heal anyone else... parents are the unbreakable force they are the ones who hold the mold together.. u need to make your other children safe they need to feel like pain is ok to feel and each person made so differently ... its ok to feel different things... just because someone grieves in a different way dosnt mean they loved that person any less but just as much .. the brain protects us when we can not emotionally protect ourselves.. and each person's brain is wierd ur fighting a force u cant win... love eachother thats what created this amazing little girll... find eachother love ... dont let your family suffer anymore grief.. please find your way back to each other..
Comment by GUARDAIN_ANGELS on March 16, 2010 at 9:40pm
i can't express enough how much my heart feels for you and your family..even tho i know its still in faith even when u feel so mad .. god dosn't kill.the human body is a strange and amazing thing. and sometimes it just stops fault of anyone.. so many questions ,no answers.. that really sooth anyway.. theres always that question why? why me ? why us? why this family.. how come not someone else.. truth is there are a dozen of those someone eles out there too... and none of my questions were answerd right away either,not when i lost my 11 year old cousin,to suicide,my 39 year old father to cancer due to malpractice, my step mother,all grandparents.. to many close friends to even count..and now today my childhood friend lies in icu..brain dead due to an intruder beating her almost to death unrecognizable..i dont have all the answers but i have to belive there is a reason bigger then us to imagine... and i believe your little guardian angel is with you everyday.. as you kept her safe for her short little life.. she will be guarding you every day every night..none can ever harm her.. or hurt her in any way she is always safe..and pain free.. she is safe.... in this cruel mean world..she didnt feel any pain..and the last thing she herd before she drifted off to sleep was i love you.and a kiss and a hug... i could'nt emagine a more peace full way to go..... dnt stop living ... live thru her.. keep her memorie alive every day.. that little angel wasnt put here to rip apart your family with grief..nothing that beautiful could be used for such pain... she wants her mommy and daddy to love eachother and her sisters... they are hurting as deeply as you.. but may be more confussed and some how feel it might be there fault.. or that u dont love them as much as u loved the baby...u need to all pull together as a family for your baby... u dont want her to feel grief for hurting u all.... i dont think we will ever know what realy happens..but id like to believe that they see and feel everything we do. and say .. she was sent to your family for a reason.. and even tho it was brief..only your family will know what the reason was... i wish you peace... i wish you sum relief little by by day.. one day at a minute by minute..go at your own pace dnt let anyone tell you when to stop greiving reguardless how long .. im still learning and its been 18 years... it does get easier .. but it took me years of faith searching to find inner peace... i wish you the best .. i pray for your family and streanth as a unit.. to heal as a gods name i pray amen..

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