I went online today. To look at the guestbook from the local newspaper. They list the obituaries in order. It is weekly so Em's is just being published. I look at all the names, all the ages. Age 84, 79, 68, 2. TWO- My baby was 2, a baby, no chance to live her life and she so loved life. She almost never cried, all smiles, all the time. Always ready for adventure. Why was she taken from me? My name should be there 35. Still horribly young but infinitely older.
I think of all the things Em was waiting for her turn to do. Steeple School, swimming, dancing. I do too? She would dance her little body around the kitchen chanting "I dancing, I dancing" and squealing with glee. In the tub she would practice her back floats like she sees Reese do at swimming "I float too, I float too". It was always "too"- with everyone else, part of the tribe. My question for her is now "I come too"- take me with you baby, mama needs you.
I always dreaded turning 34. The age my mom died at. When I turned 35 I had beat that fear, passed that fearful age, Time to live, stop living in fear and enjoy. Be thankful that I was not repeating history but now I know I am writing my own. It is worse. I never thought there was a chance of worse. I feared the same. My greatest fear in the world would be better than this, who can even imagine.
I managed to sleep again last night. I think my body is so worn down that at least for 5- 6 hours it has no choice. At least it makes the time pass. I wake automatically when the light in the room reaches the time that Emmie would start calling for me. The first sound I hear is not her calling but Scott's voice screaming in my head, from when he found her. It is something I will never forget, it will always haunt me. I always worried about something like this but never really thought it was a possiblity. Safe crib, no cords, nothing to harm herself on, how could this happen? It is literally my worst nightmare come true. I always look for any danger, how could I have protected her, what could I have done differently to have her here with me? Why do other people get to raise all their children, why are their famlies left intact? How can my littlest be gone. I always called her Littlest and told Reese she was the middlest. Is that still true? Always for me, but for others? Will everyone forget my little girl because it is easier?
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