Scott is sitting next to me, playing a slide show of photos. I glance over now and then and see the picures. It hurts even more today. She is so happy in all of them, enjoying life. I am SO ANGRY for her. It is not fair, why does she not get to continue to learn and grow. She LOVED life, was so excited about everything. Everyday was an adventure, even if we were just staying home. She was so busy, so happy. She LOVED us, all of us so much. She loved having sisters, she loved her family, we all could not have loved her more. Scott is sobbing it hurts me more. I know he needs to, all I do his cry, but it makes it more real.
She is gorgeous. Her eyes so full of expression. She is wearing the clothes that are still in the laundry pile, the shoes that are still on the floor. There is a picture of her last week in the tub. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS, she was healthy, there are no answers, I am GOING crazy. WHY MY BABY? WHY?????? What did I do to deserve this??????????? I was so proud of her, of our family, is that why, was I too happy?
I picture her in her feetie pajamas running around the island in the kitchen, eyes sparkling, devilish grin, cutest dimple. Emmie "slow down, you are going to get hurt". "Emmie, hold my hand, we are in a parking lot", "Emmie don't put that in your mouth, you could choke", "Emmie, stay away from the edge, you could fall"
"EMMIE, DON'T TAKE A NAP, YOU COULD DIE????" How did I not know, How did I not keep her safe?
We did a slide show for the memorial, somehow trying to convey how special she was to us. One of the songs we used was The Dance by Garth Brooks. An eery song I have always loved. It asks if you would give up the time you had with someone to avoid the pain of loss. If I knew this would happen would I have not had Em? I would never give up the time I had with her for anything, she brought me joy like no one else in this world..but would she have wanted to be here. I hate to think she knows what she is missing. I do not see how to get out of this pain, it is all consuming, there are no answers and there is no solution. I either continue through life or die. There is no question which would be easier, which choice I would make if I could.
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