I have not cried as much today. My body is exhausted. I have laid in the same spot on the couch for the past 16 hours. That is all I do every day. I can not go out, answer the door or the phone. I realize that somehow I am blocking something because if I really think of Emmie, the reality, I can not even breathe. I think of how happy she was, the joy she brought me, the walks we have taken, the cuddles we have shared, she was my constant companion, my little love bear, how can they be over, how can she be gone, how do I continue? I can't, I do not want to.
I try to think of every bad thought I ever had. That maybe I was a better mother than someone, maybe my child was cuter, healthier. Am I being punished for not being a better person. I know there are mass murderers that never experience this loss but there has to be a reason, a why.
Scott and I are moving in such different directions. He is so sad but is trying. Being the best Dad he can to the ones we have left and thinking of ways to honor Em, keep her memory alive. I sit, like a lump, so lost.
I got an email today from someone from FaceBook. An old acquaintance offering condolences, etc. I realized by what she said that no one knows what happened to Em. I can tell they think she was in some type of accident. Like she drowned in the tub or something. I never really thought about it. The obituary just said unexpectedley. I hate to think people think, I was not watching her, like I let something like that happen. She was asleep, there was no way to know. I feel like I need to let someone know.
I can not believe that I am living this nightmare. She was so happy, neither of us had any idea this could happen. I think of the new baby, I feel like it will take her place in our family. We will be a family of 5 again- we should be 6, in my heart we will always be 6. I would trade this baby for Em, anything for Em. We have met some people from the SUDC support group. Other people that have experienced similiar loss. For a minute I feel better, I am not alone, these people are out there, living, I will make it...but wait- then my mind jumps, I remember why I am talking to them, this is not Facebook, some type of inane fun. Emerson is gone, my Emerson Lily, my babu girl. I am never going to see her again. No more dancing, laughing. smiles. My mind is really protecting me from the full force of that fact, I know, but I don't.
A nurse calls me, offers me anti-depressants, tells me what I need to do bare minimum to take care of myself. Does she really think I care if I shower daily. I tell her I lie huddled in a ball until I realize I offhandedly that I am about to wet myself so I go to the bathroom and return to the couch, it takes a minute round trip, it is too much. I tell her just to horrify her, it is true but I do not like her so I say it because I know it will bug her. Will one of my other children be taken for this small act?
I spent so much time cuddling with Em. All over me all the time, sucking her in before she got too big. Before she was too busy for me.
I can't breathe, my lungs are so tight. It hits with such full force she is gone. I LOVE her with every cell in my body, she is really gone, my child dead. Oh My God. Oh my God. I feel her body curve into mine. "I love you so much mama, so much" WHY do I have to live???? How do I end this, how do I get to her? Help me! There is no help. no way out of this hell. I do not want to live, not for a minute, not without my baby girl. Her smile, her laugh, her devilish grin. I want to be with her, baby girl come back to mama, take me with you, I need you, I love you. I am you, without you I am gone. Emmie please, please baby, for mama, I love you soooo much.
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