I watched a video today, on the computer, just 60 seconds. Its the three girls, running around, laughing, chasing eachother, my family, what it is supposed to be, so happy. Emmie is all smiles, so excited, so happy, full of life, healthy. Moving 100 miles an hour, nothing wrong. Just a few short weeks ago.
How does anyone come back from this. I lost my soulmate. Another mom I talked to used that term. She was explaining how the child she lost completed her. I get it, it is the right term. Em was that one person for me. I love the girls, but she was mine, part of me, an unexpected gift.
Scott is taking the kids swimming. He is trying so hard. Reese can not find a bathing suit. I open a drawer, clothes I have tucked away for the summer. I come across nightgowns I totally forgot I bought. Three of them, one for each of my daughters, matching strawberry nightgowns. I remember searching for the three sizes, picturing the three of them tanned and happy sitting on a couch after a day at the beach. I knew what the picture would look like. what the moment would feel like. So many hopes, simple times spent together. Our family does not work anymore, this is not the family I created. I am not me, Scott is not himself. How do we save our other daughters, keep them from being lost to this tragedy. They had two doting parents, a sister that loved them, now they live with ghosts. We are all lost to them. How do I care? It is awful, why can't I do anything for them. I am a better mom this, I should be being better for them, but it is really like I am gone. I can not even move. To get out of bed to the couch is what I accomplish for the day.
How can a child just be gone? Why me? Someone told me to ask Why Not me? But she was so loved, so taken care of. I did everything, always to keep her safe. The thought of continuing is impossible. I have no will to live, I did not realize you could be alive and feel this way.
I am alone, so I watched her slide show. I am howling like an animal. Noises no human can make. I can't breathe. I REALLY do not want to live. I keep saying I am not suicidal, I can't be because of the kids. But I am as close as you can get. I have always feared death, now I welcome it, I need to be with Emmie. Can you die of a broken heart. That would be such a reprieve. I loved her with every fiber of my being, I can not put into words what I felt, what I still feel, how much pain I am in. No one gets it. I will not heal from this. I read in some grief book that losing a child is like an amputation. Part of you is gone, it can never be healed, never go back to what it was. You have to learn to live without the missing part, it will be different, not as good, but your only choice is to move on or perish. I choose the latter. All I can think, is I love you soo much. I feel trapped here, in my pain, so cold and lonely, no way out.
I have not talked to anyone in days. What is the point. There is nothing to say. Emmie is gone, my life is over, you can not fix me. You did not love her like me, need her like me, grow her, put everything into her like me. You get to live your life, raise your children, have true happiness. All the stupid problems we all complain about, they are nothing. Everyone just wants me to say I am a little better, that I feel tiny improvements. Like I will take weight off thier shoulders by showing them that I am progressing. I am not.
Scott says he will talk to his boss. About working from home for a long time. He doesn't not see me being able to get Cade and Reese where they need to go, take care of their daily needs. Me- who could juggle work and the three of them without much of a problem? I went on field trips, volunteered in the classroom, planned huge birthdays, focused on being the best mom I could, not perfect, but I really tried. I know I need to get up, show him I am capable. But I am tired, dizzy. I can not even sit upright. my body feels like it is shutting down. I wish it just would. Emmie's did in minutes, for no reason why can't mine, it has a reason.
I feel like I failed her. I feel like this is my fault. Why did I giver he a nap. Why did I not sense soemthing was wrong. Was I too laid back, but I took every precaution, but obviously I didn't. People just keep saying there is nothing, no reason. It is SIDS we do not know why it exists. Why does anything exist why to children get sick, die, why all this suffering?
I used to love making big turkey dinners for the family. A total pain but I do it at least once a month. Cayden and Emmie loved it, ate way more then their little bellies should be able to hold. And I always felt so greatful to be able to provide them with that, nourish them. It always made me think of mothers in third world countries, or even here. Mothers that loved their children like me but could not feed them, had nothing to give them. How horrible it would be to not be able to protect your child. To know your child is hungry and not fill their bellly, in danger and unable to protect them. I truly felt the pain these mothers must feel as I watched them enjoy their dinner, tears would literally fill my eyes, like a freak. so happy I could fill them, keep them healthy, whole. I am one of those mothers now. I could not keep her safe, I have the weight of the failure on my shoulders. The loss of her on me forever, I will always blame myself, doubt myself, feel I could have done more, I could have kept her safe. I am the worlds biggest failure and I now I have to face the world, let them see my failure in the missing child that is no longer trailing behing me like a shadow.
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