I don't understand how this can happen. Emerson was completely healthy. I was making chicken for dinner, dreading taking Cade to acting, thinking how far behind I was on the laundry. I had just gotten back from the store, I got her Clifford juice boxes. She just discovered the Clifford movie, she would have loved them. They are still on the counter. I put Emmie in for a nap. Like I have almost everyday of her entire life and she just dies, no reason. There was no bumper on her crib, nothing dangerous at all and she was almost 2.5 years old. She can stand up, call for help, practically climb out of her crib herself. Can someone please explain that to me. How my child is gone. Why my child is gone. Why me? How the person I spent all that time loving, nurturing, keeping safe can just fade away. How a perfectly healthy child can go from having her entire life in front of her to dead of no cause in a matter of minutes. How a family of 5 can go from happy and thriving to a family of four ghosts. Children that have no parents, one child not here at all. A husband and wife that have nothing to talk about except what they lost and how they will never have a moment of happiness again. I DO NOT UDERSTAND, WHY ME, WHY HER. She was the happiest kid in the world. The odds are 1/100,000. WHY ME. How do I live the rest of my life, I do not want to. I will never be happy again, never have what I should. I know who I am missing, what she felt like, laughed like, her personality, the love we shared. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SHE CAN BE GONE AND I CAN BE EXPECTED TO CONTINUE.
Things had been going really good around here. My job situtation was settled, kids doing good at school, Scott and I happy, construction scheduled, new baby on the way. Busy, a little overwhelming, but good. How do I go from all those dreams to NOTHING. I literally feel NOTHING except anguish. I am an AWFUL mother now. I have no patience for my kids, I do not know how to love them, be their mother, everything either ticks me off or makes me cry. I am alternatly angry and exhausted, always despondent, hopeless. I can not explain what is like to have zero hope for the future, to look at the people that were your world before and just not care. To know you will never hold, kiss, laugh with your child again. To know I will never hear her voice telling me how much she loves me, celebrate her birthday, fill her Christmas stocking. To remember the feel of her little hand in mine, the pride and love I felt everyday. To look at my remaining children and just not care. Do I resent them for living or because I have to continue to live since they are here. Why can I not be greatful for what I have left? Instead I am trying to get myself to not lunge off my spot on the couch and strangle one of the kids or one of the pets. My internal rage is out of control and I have no where to direct it...why am I so mad at those I should be clinging to? I am so sad for Cayden and Reese they loved their sister and now she is gone, they witnessed it all. They loved me, Scott. their family. They deserve parents that really care about every nuance of their life, we were those parents, are we lost forever to them to? I am so sad that I can not find the strength to care.
All my plans are gone, my hopes, my dreams. I have moments that take my breath away. Seconds when I realize this really happened, to me, not someone on the news, etc. That there is no way to bring my baby back, that all I have is the memories. That everyone else in town are tucking their kids in night after night, enjoying their families, maybe even more after hearing our story, making sure they are not us. It is so unfair. Emerson was special. She always was, I thought how lucky I was to have her every single day. She was my little buddy, my cuddly little shadow, how do I accept this. I want to die. I scream, I howl. I punch things, NOTHING helps, not even a little. Not baby steps- nothing. Just trapped in a suffocating, never ending darkness and there is really no hope, nothing that can be done to change things, make them better. Even if I can someday function again, which is something I eventually have to do for Cade and Reese I will never have true happiness- I will be a walking ghost-how do you continue like that. To know at best the rest of your life will be you faking it, at best any happiness found could have alwys been better and will always be tinged with the deepest sorrow.
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