TRAPPED. That is how I feel. There is no way past this, no way to fix it, no way to find happiness, no way out. There is no move here. NOTHING I can do to make anything better. My life has been taken but my body left behind. I lie here. I have been lying here for 2 weeks, the days blend. All I do is type useless posts that can not help, email other mothers that have lost children that just make me realize the world is an awful place. Something could happen to one of the girls tomorrow, you can do everything right and still lose it all. I dose off, I wake up. I go to bed and do it again. I do not smile, I do not appreciate my children, I do nothing positive, there is not a glimmer of hope in even a second of my day. I am waiting for my days to end and I have no idea if it will be tomorrow or 50 years from now. I have a house full of Emmie's things. Her room, her toys, her clothes, her pictures, her high chair. She has everything she needs including a mom and dad that would give their own lives to give her the chance to live but yet she is not here. I love you so much,mama. I know I keep repeating that phrase, but she literally told me a dozen times a day, I will never hear it again. Not from her, the one I need to hear it from.
Scott and I barely talk all day. He tries to entertain the kids, I lie in a trance. We put the tv on at night, I don't think either of us comprehend anything that is on. Sometimes for a second I pretend that all three of them are upstairs asleep, things are ok, but I know in my heart that Em's room is empty. At some point we go to bed, we usually talk for a bit, cry, vow to get it together for the kids. I wrap myself around one of Em's stuffed animals and hold on to a pair of her pajamas. Then we wake up to house where there is no little voice calling for us and repeat the day before.
Emmie was so happy, so healthy, gone in an instant. I am not happy, my body is dead, why am I still here. My friends have been supportive, offering to do what I need, what they can. No one knows what to say, we are experiencing the unthinkable, what can they say. I do not know what to say either, there is nothing anyone can do, there is always something but not this time. This is so utterly wrong, this does not happen, how could this happen. I worry about everything, over protect them, how did this happen? What did I do wrong? People tell me to take baby steps. Just do one thing each day. Where am I supposed to take these steps toward- there is no where to go, nothing to walk toward, no way out. The only place I am moving is farther away from the last time I held Emmie in my arms.
Other mothers on this horrible journey say there will be happiness again. I hope there will be, but it will never be pure, I will always have this loss. A hole in my heart and soul that will never be filled. Emerson was at a magical age. When everything is exciting, life is a huge adventure. I picture her glimmering eyes, huge smile, she BELONGS HERE.
I had a dermatologist appt. today. They are booked a year out. I have a bunch of moles and have to get them checked yearly. I decided I would keep the appt, it would get me out of the house and to reschedule would be so far in the future. I go there, and checked in barely holding it together. The dr. came in, was making stupid small talk about the rain, etc. I tried so hard to keep it together. He tells me my moles are fine. I start bawling my eyes out, tell him about Emerson and that a diagnosis of melanoma would bring me closer to her. He is a nice guy, family man, 4 kids he said he was so sorry, he meant it, it does not help.
I had to pick Cayden up at acting on the way home. I sat in the car until the last second so I could just run in and grab her. Cutting over to her classroom I start welling up, usually I am chasing Em. The class runs late. A little girl Emmie's age walks by wearing Em's furry boots. They were my favorite, she loved them, tears are streaming down my face, I put my head down and sit in a corner. I grab Cade without looking up. Why is that little girl marching around in her boots? Why is Emerson gone? How did this happen, how did I get here? People keep telling me try, a little each day. I want to scream at them _____ you. Have this happen to your child and then talk to me about baby steps. There is no where to go, I am trapped in this life, I did everything right for my kids yet my whole life has been taken away.