I am faced with the realization that I have nothing to do. It is 8:30. Cayden has gone to school, Reese has the day off and is going to run errands with Scott. I am panicked. Sitting here is like being in solitary confinement. But there is no where to go. That is the thing, there is nothing to do to escape the pain, nothing to do to get Emerson back. I am trapped in the worst nightmare of my life and there is no way out. I can see how people literally lose their minds. I feel like I could get there. I need to do a couple things around the house but I am literally rooted to this spot. Under the blanket, unable to move.
I got very little sleep again last night. I did not even bother trying until about 2AM. Once I did fall asleep I woke over and over. I clung to Em's jammies, prayed to dream I was holding her. I didn't. Every time I woke up my face was wet, my pillow soaked. I am crying in my sleep and do not even know it. I am waiting for Scott and Reese to leave. I am going to watch the slide show of Em. It hurts just thinking about it. I am going to scream, cry and yell, it hurts me to do it but I need to do that for her. Need her to know that I will remember exactly how she was every second of my life.
It is impossible to accept that she is gone. That the little girl that was cracking up a couple weeks ago as we made soap mohawks in the tub is gone. How could her body fail. I nourished it always. Loved it more, held it more, gave it more than I have ever given anything in my life. Healthy children do not just die. How do I recover from that. How do I "accept" this life without her, accept that she will not get the chance to live hers, that hurts even more than my pain, she is missing it all. She wants to be here. Things like this should not happen, not when you are careful, not when you do everything right. She was so full of life, happy, energenic, beautiful. I roll over in bed and reach my hands over the side, pretend I am hoistig her up to lie with me. I love you so much mama. I love you so much too Emmie. How can those moments be gone over nothing, no catastrophic illness, no car accident, nothing.
Writing is not helping today, today is nothingness, Nothing is helping, nothing is passing the time. I want to go back to bed but then I will not sleep tonight. I think of all the people that are sick, hoping to live another day and I feel so selfish but I do not want to be here. Tonight we are supposed to take the girls to a grief program where they can meet other kids their age that have lost a parent or sibling. It is wrong that these groups even exist. They do arts and crafts, etc. It is a safe place where they can have fun and feel comfortable talking about Em. They should be dancing with her, not talking about the sister they had. They poured everything into her too. They both loved their little sister completely. I told Scott I will go but to be prepared for me to have to leave, to wait in the car. I can not handle anything these days.
I watched the slide show. As a mother it is impossible to be left on this earth without your child. She is cracking up in every picture. So happy. so perfect. I can not live, I do not want to live, I do not want to move past this, I don;t want to get better. I just want to be with her. There are not other options for me. She is my flesh and blood. Part of my body, I can not live without that part of my body. I just can't. The pain is unbearable. I want to be with her no matter what. I can not go on. I just can't. I know I have other kids, I know I owe it to them but I can not do this, I just can't. It is impossible to hurt this much and keep on living, to hurt this much and have no way out. I completely uderstand sucide now. I always thought, nothing is that bad, there is always hope for improvement..I so know what these people feel. I feel it now. I also feel the obligation of staying here at least in the physical sense for my family so I guess I am not truly suicidal, but I so understand.