Nothing I do can bring Emerson back. Nothing can give me more time with her in my arms, time to do something different, change something. I just keep watching that video over and over and over. She is so gorgeous, so full of life, the most perfect thing I have ever done. Smiles, dimples, laughter, perfection. Gone. I am slipping further into depression today, I can feel it. Sinking deeper in my grief. I do not care about anyone or anything. I just want to be with her. I can not move. Someone from Reese's school leaves a message. Apparantly they are dropping off meals on some sort of schedule. It is nice but I do not want anyone here. They promise not to ring the bell. I am sure they want to see me even less than I want to see them. I am so lost today. So unable to even try, even care. I have until 6PM and then I have to move if I am going to accompany them to the kids grief thing. I probably need to shower first, I think its been a couple days, not sure. The counselor says there is a mom there she wants me to meet. She lost her young son. I just do not see how anything is going to help me. I think of forever without Emerson. I love her name. I like calling it out. I like rattling off Cayden, Reese and Emerson. That is my family. I was looking forward to raising them. The tribe. That is what Scott and I call them. I do not know how to mother one without the others. I can not find the will to.
I know I am not the only person in the world this has happened to but I can not help but feel like why me? why my little girl. I do not understand how. I go through all the pictures, I know what she is thinking in all of them, instinctively. If she is thrilled, hesitant, etc. Scott is on the phone arranging things with his office. He just keeps repeating my youngest daughter passed away unexpectedly....how can those words be true? Why are they being spoken here, in my house, we were so happy.
There are a bunch of tests we need to talk to doctors about. The pediatrician, our doctors, even the medical examiner. Rare genetic things that should be tested for. There are all these agencies contacting us. The main one is SUDC.org. Everything is just too late, she is gone but I know for the other kids I have to make sure it is not genetic...the chances are very slim, like one in a million, but the risk is there. They talk to us about angel monitors, they are the baby monitors that monitor movement. They say we can even put them on the girls bed as long as we teach them to shut them off when they get up to go the bathroom, etc. I think that will freak them out completely- to think we are monitoring them so they do not die in their sleep too. I will definitley get one for the baby though. Even if we had one for Emmie we would have stopped using it by now. Once they can stand or crawl off the mat they are pointless. Scott and I have already agreed we will never be able to sleep once he/she is here. We will never think of nap time as time to get stuff done, the "down" time of the day.
I have my prenatal test tomorrow. In a few days we will know if we are having a boy or a girl. Scott so wants a girl, he admits he is crazy that he is just wishing it was Em. I think it will be a boy, I think either way it will be painful. I do hope the baby is healthy, I can not take another loss.
Reese is at the table coloring. She is desinging her "new room". The one that should be being built right now. I had already decided I was going to do Emmie's room in a pony theme. I got her the big fur real life size pony at Christmas. I planned on building her room around that theme. Putting the pony behind a little coral, maybe making the dollhouse bed look like a barn with hay in the window boxes. It was going to be perfect for her. I doubt I will ever plan for the future again. I do not see how I will ever trust in tomorrows....although now I go to bed wishing tomorrow wouldn't come and it just keeps coming.
No one knows Emerson like Scott and I. She is our child, how could you. I just keep calling her magic. That is what she is to me. I am so lost, so sad, so broken. I managed to go with Scott and the girls to the kids greif thing. My head was screaming, we should not be here, this can not be our life, how did I get here? A couple weeks ago I would be on the couch watching LOST, now I am LOST- forever. Cayden made a friend. She got in the car and said mom, one girl had something even worse happen "her mom died". Oh, how naive she is, I was that girl and now I am me. I have been both places, both are awful, one is infinitely worse. It is sweet that in her world that would be worse. I guess a mother would be worse than a sibling to a 7 year old, but wait until she is a mother, I pray she will neve know the pain, because I know both. I am both. I am that girl, I am me, I am both.