Scott and I snapped at each other for the first time tonight. His mother called because she has a virus on her computer and wants him to fix it- can he come down tomorrow? I was sooo mad. I snapped at him "why don't you tell her no, my daughter is dead, hire someone, she should not be asking you for anything". Scott did not think it was a big deal, she does so much for us. I know I overreacted but I was enraged, not at her, just at everything. So a few minutes later he is sighing which is what he does when he is stressed. He has been busy all day so he has bad nights. The pain kind of hits all at once where as mine is just a constant ebb. I thought he was mad at me for my comments on his mom and he yelled at me "no I am sad, ok, I am sad too" LOVELY. I know it is to be expected we are in really different places right now. We are trying not to hurt eachother, he is probably trying harder, it is just so hard to consider other people when breathing takes so much effort.
Liabilities. This is the word that keeps running through my head. Children are liabilities, they can destroy you. I never should have put myself at risk like this, I knew my heart was fragile. I was so scared one of them would get sick, maybe get in a car accident when I wasn't driving. I actually always feared one of them not waking up, but that one I thought was irrational, now that they are older. I remember camping last summer. Emmie's pack n play was near blinds. I wound up the cord, I pulled it away from the outlet. I ALWAYS checked everything, why me? These were the kind of fears I had. I feared anything happening to them or even to me that would take me away from them. I know what its like to grow up without a mom, I did not want that for them either. Sometimes Scott and I would meet somewhere so we would have two cars. I almost always drove home with the kids. We would tease who got to have the quiet ride home but most of the time I took them. I took them because anytime I had to watch a car drive away with Scott and my three girls in it I would have a little panic attack. I would think if they ever got in an accident I would lose everything. I feel as though I have lost everything. Without Emmie I am not here, a big part of me died with her and now Reese and Cayden are left without me. I am here physically but I am not the mother they know. We have all lost it all.
I know I should be so thankful I still have Cayden and Reese and this new little girl that is growing inside me. I know that should offer some comfort, that I had more to lose but it is so hard to see that. I just need Em, my family is not whole without Em. She should not be gone, nothing happened, she was healthy. All I do is worry about my kids, I was not worried she was perfect.
The only thing that makes me move from the couch to my bed at night is that I know a pair of her pajamas are tucked under my pillow. I drag myself from one place to the other to hold and empty pair of her pajamas. Every morning waking up you feel the pain all over, I no longer think it is a dream, but the pain of having to face another day without her is unbearable. Mothers should not be left without their children. PERIOD. It is the cruelest thing in the world. I am so trapped. I am so unhappy, I hurt so much. Everyone says to do whatever you need to to survive, what if you do not want to survive?
This morning Reese asked Scott who would take care of them when he went back to work. I was sitting right there. I wasn't even a consideration. I have taken care of them their whole lives, I am that gone to them. It was a bad morning around here. Scott was angry, not at the kids, it is part of this. We are both so angry this happened to Emmie, happened to our family. He had no patience for the kids and was snapping at them. He was mad at the dog which always upsets Cayden, I saw she was really upset. I was here, I wanted to help the girls, reassure them that we loved them, we are just having a hard time. No one is mad at them it is the situation but I just sat here, a zombie. As soon as they left I went back to bed.
I had not dreamed of Em last night but when I went back to bed I did. I actually dreamed that all three of them were weirdly sick. They would alternate between fine and randomly passing out and coughing up blood. We were racing around doing everything we could. We rushed all three of them into Children's Boston, we were saving our family. I loved them all. I was just as worried about one as the other. We were a family again. I guess it makes sense all my dreams are about saving Emerson, saving our family. The problem is when I wake up they can not be saved. I stayed in bed until noon. THere is no one here. Reese has extended day, Scott went to his moms. I am so alone it is sad. No one needs me, but I have nothing to give anyways. I would give my life for Emerson to have hers.
Scott is meeting with some guy at the gym tonight who organizes races and triathlons. He wants to find out what you do, how long it takes so that by next year he can do something for Emerson. It is nice, but I want her, not a race. Also, that means I have to be alone with Cayden and Reese tonight and I do not know how to handle that. I have spent more hours alone with my three children than I can count but I am dreading it. I can not handle them or myself. I know I will just have them watch tv. I am an awful mother right now. I do want to be better for them but I don't want to try to be better without Em. I want it to be how it was, why can't things be what they were? Why Emerson, why us?