I told the kids a story. I told them how when babies grow in their mommies belly they take a little piece of their mommy's heart and that is where their own heart grows from. The little piece they take from their mom grows with them and turns into their own heart and someday when they have babies those babies will get a little piece of their heart, which will be made from a little piece of mine and that is how we are all connected and why moms love their children more than anything in to world. I told them that Emerson had a piece of my heart so that when Emerson died part of my heart died too and that is why I am so broken. Mommys love thier children so much and are actually a part of them. Part of me is gone and I am trying to live without that part. Mommies are never supposed to live without their children. I told them I have to do everything I can to remember that part of me, to keep Emerson as alive as I can because she has part of my heart and I am working on trying to live without it but I will always need Emmie, love Emmie and want her here. She will always be a part of our family and she will always be a part of me.
I have no idea if it made any sense to them. It was the best I can do. What else am I going to do, tell them that I have no will to live. That unless I can have the three of them I do not want to be here. That a mother can not live without her child so they are going to lose me to, because those words are a lot closer to the truth than anything I actually told them.
I had an OB appt today and had a scare. They could not find the baby's heartbeat. I thought I had lost her. I was terrified. It was an awful hour while I waited to get the ultrasound that did eventually confirm that she is ok. She was rolling around and tucked about as far back as she could be so they just could not hear her. The one good thing that came out of it was that I realized I want her. I was so glad she was ok. I care about her, that is good to know, but is another kind of fear. It always seems like a miracle when a baby arrives safely. But what is safely? That word has no meaning anymore. Em was here, safe, sound, healthy, loved, cared for, protected. What do any of those words mean?
I decided I do not believe in this whole SUDC thing. Healthy children do not die over the course of an hour for no cause. Its total cr_p, I do not believe it. I need answers. I need to know what was wrong, if I missed something, what happened. I know it will not bring Emmie back, I know I will always be broken, I know it will not change me. But maybe if will help me feel the other kids are ok, because right now I have no faith in anything. NOTHING. Not medicine, not my mothering skills, not one thing in this world.
It is so hard to believe that she is really gone. I STILL feel like I will wake up. I picture her, so healthy, so happy and it is impossible. It is impossible that some that is loved that much could be gone. I love her so so much. I need her so so much. She was the most beautiful child, inside and out. I looked at her everyday and was so happy she was mine, so proud. She was my pride and joy. I do not want her to be a memory, I want her here in my arms. I need her so desperately, it hurts to my core. My heart literally hurts. I walk around with actual physical pain in my chest. It is hard to breathe, I do not have the strength to sit up straight, yet the sun still rises every morning, the world has lost such a special person, doesn't anyone feel her missing, she was magic. Every single day I had her out she made someone smile. She had so much joy to give, she made me better, the world better. This is the biggest loss, people do not realize how special we was, what we are all missing. She was so funny, she was such a part of our family, she just belonged, at two we had our own little inside jokes. She would do them and look to me and Scott like "he, he we are totally driving Cade and Reese crazy" she was our little co-conspirator. She would bounce from one of us to the other, from Cayden to Reese. She had such a special realtionship with all of us. She BELONGS here, no one can ever take her place and there will ALWAYS be a huge part of our family missing. I just do not understand how this can happen and why me, why her, we all loved eachother so much. I did not take her for granted. I breathed every second of her in. She is my baby daughter and I will never be ok with her. The story I told the girls is actually true. She literally has a piece of my heart and it really did die with her.