I do not believe it, I just do not believe it. I am looking at pictures. Emerson is FINE, she is perfect, she is growing thriving, she has beautiful skin, full head of hair, shiny eyes. She is HEALTHY. What happened to her. How am I supposed to live without her. I do not want to live without her not even for a minute more. I need my baby. I am screaming inside. I am shattered. I do not want to try. I want her. I don't care what else I have to lose. I have lost everything. I lost my little girl. She is not a baby. She is a child, a healthy child, what happened? Why me,why her. Every single picture she is smiling, happy to be included, going with the flow. What happened? I do not want her to be a picture on the wall, a brick in a park, a name on a run, a memory in my heart. Someone people talk about in hushed tones or hardly at all. I want my daughter. I want to hold her, watch her grow, hear her laugh, help her learn, feel her love. How can she be a picture on the wall, the child I lost, THIS IS NOT RIGHT, I can not make it, I don't want to. EMERSONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, mama needs you, WHY WHY WHY. Your smile haunts me you are so happy so perfect how can this happen, what did I do to deserve this, you don't deserve this. The world is a horrible place I do not want to be here without you. I can not survive this. I love you. I need you. I wail and cry your name, I feel like I could split open the pain is pulling me apart. Emmie where are you? Every picture you are so happy, such a goof, you are perfect. I do not want another baby, I want you. I only want you, I need you, I can't live without you, I can not breathe, it hurts, I need you, I need you, I need you.
The way your hair curls, I look at your tiny little fingers, the way you hold a crayon, the way you curve your fingers with your spoon, the glint in your eye, your little vampire fangs, your little grin. The way you love vitamins and chocy milk. How you alway stole the toothpaste and everyone's toothbrushes. How you love junk food and hide behind the curtains licking the cream out of oreos. That you like the picture of the horses on the wall at starbucks, you loved your blankie and you were the biggest cuddler I have ever met in my life. I know what your thighs feel like when I squeeze them, how soft your lips are and how your cheeks feel against mine. I know the scar on your shin is from tripping on the dinosaur cookie cutter Cayden left on the floor, it did not even bleed but somehow left a scar. I know you hate having your hair brushed, you have a freckle on your scalp, you love taking tubbies and the sound of your voice whispering in my ear. I know the conversation we had every morning in bed by heart, talking about looking out the window, how much we love each other and the picture of the dog on the wall. I know when we walk into the grocery store you go right for the apples, have to pick out your own yogurt, you get into the candy at the checkout. I know you yell bye to your sisters when they get out of the car for school. I know everything about you. I recognized your movements when you were born. You are part of me, I did everything I could for you, how could this happen. You were the perfect child for me, you are the perfect child for me. This makes no sense. There were no accidents, no illnesses, nothing. I can not survive this. I do not want to. I want you. Everyone else has their children. I want you. I need you. This is a hell I never imagined could even happen. I never thougth you would leave me. I worried about getting sick and leaving you.
I also know that no matter how much I hurt right now I would not give up a second that I had with you, not even to get rid of this pain, I would never give you up ever, I never never will. I love you soooooo much baby girl. Always.