So Scott leaves me home with Reese this afternoon. I am literally never alone with the kids. Yesterday he printed out a bunch of pictures of Emmie and put them in albulms for the girls. Reese starts looking through hers and loses it. Crying, sobbing, asking what happened and can she see Emmie one more time. WHY did this happen to us? I can not even function to comfort her. She tells me that someone told her that they know someone that got hit by a car and did not even die. She is asking what happened to Em, hoping we are wrong. I have no clue. I have no answers. She says she is glad Emmie did not die when she was a newborn, that they got to have fun together. She appreciates the time with her. That makes me so sad...they really loved eachother sooo much. She tells me that Cayden wants us to have another baby. I ask her what she thinks about that. She asks if the baby could be Emmie. She knows it will not be Emmie but says maybe it would be like Emmie. How do I bring another child here. I think having a little one to love would be good for them but what if something happens to her. None of us can survive this twice. I am doubtful of us making it through this even once.
I am just so so so sad. I miss Emmie so much. It is 4 weeks today. 4 weeks since the bottom fell out of my world, since my heart stopped beating, since I have held my baby girl. 4 weeks since I have smiled, 4 seeks since I have slept through the night, 4 weeks since I have cared about my other children. 4 weeks since I looked to the future, since I thought the world was a good place, since I thought it was ok to dream. 4 weeks since I have cared whether I live or die.
I just can not believe she is gone. It makes no sense. She was healthy. I keep looking at pictures, taken just days before she died. How did I not see something? Could I have done something different, could I have saved her? Did I make some crucial mistake that cost her her life, cost me mine? I called the medical examiners office today. I barely got through the phone call. They have no information. They said if nothing physical is found thay check for microscopic viruses. What type of virus could almost instantaneously kill my child but not present with any symptoms. Whay kind of virus could take my little love so quickly without a chance for me to react. What kind of virus that is that lethal would strike only her and leave the rest of us healthy? they said check back in a few weeks, they said do not expect answers, she is a file to them, SHE IS MY WORLD.
I would often lay with Emmie in my bed. I would think how much I loved her. I would l think I loved her too much. I would think if anything ever happened to her I would be destroyed. I knew I would keep her safe at all costs. I NEVER knew this could happen.
I am feeling very lonely tonight. I miss my life. I miss Emerson the most, so much more than anything else. But I miss my other children, I miss caring about them. I miss my husband, I miss laughing with him. I miss myslef, I miss my friends. I miss having a future. Today was the first day I did not hear from anyone. Not one email, no one checked in. I know people have their own lives but when email is your only contact with the outside world and you lie on the couch 20 hours a day, no emails make things really hard, even more islolating. I know people do not know what to say, there is nothing to say, they have their own lives, their complete families, but I am lonely.
Scott is sadder daily. He had been giving me hope. He is sad but with him trying so hard with the girls I thought there was a chance we might survive this as a family. We might smile someday again. I know it will NEVER be as good, but I had hope. I lost all that hope tonight. He basically told me that we might as well both resign ourselves to the fact that we have to fake it the best we can for the girls until they are grown. We will never be happy again but we have an obligation to fake it. That really took away my last shred of hope. If he doesn't have any we are doomed because I have none to give. I was hoping to get it from him. We really are doomed.