I want my child. I have spent a month here without her. The most excruciatingly painful month of my life. A month that would have been better off not lived. A month I would happily give up to be with my baby girl.

A child needs their mother. This is a fact. I know this fact in so many different ways, however none of them align. A child needs their mother. I desperately needed mine growing up, but she got sick when I was 10, died shortly after I turned 11. She was not there to tell me about growing up, take me prom dress shopping, drive me to doctor appts. I was left to rely on neighbors and strangers. I was alone and embarassed. I was the child I needed my mother.

A child needs their mother. Cayden needs me. She has always been a mommy's girl. She has loved me and needed me at everything in her life always. Her baby sister died, right in front of her, it was scary. She misses her. Her mother has been lying on the couch crying for a month. Her dad tries but is so grouchy. No one laughs, no one seems to care. There have been no home cooked meals, no conversations shared, never a smile. At night she gets a perfunctory kiss goodnight and only because Dad tells Mom to give her one. Cayden is the child, she needs her mother.

A child needs thier mother. Reese needs me. I feel like she is better off then Cayden because she is a Daddy's girl but she is still used to spending her days with me, a kind word, a smile, a warm meal, very basic care, I am not even offering her this. I am grouchy and short. Her quirky habits infuriate me. She LOVED Emmie, they were such buddies, they hung out while Cade was at school. She is so sad and from me she gets short temperedness and indifference. I have given her no reason to think I care about her at all. Reese is the child, she needs her mother.

A child needs their mother. I have another daughter. I have never met her but yet she depends on me for everything, including the chance at life. It is up to me to feed and nourish her and keep her safe. It is up to me to love her, keep her safe and get her into this world. I am barely taking care of myself. This baby is the child, she needs her mother.

A child needs their mother. Emmie needs me. I do not know what I believe or where she may be but I 100% know whatever the answer she would rather be with me. What if I did not nap her. What if we skipped that day, would this have not happened, would it have happened that nuight or while she was awake. I don't know. I just feel like she needed me and still needs me and I was not there. Emmie is the child, she needs her mother.

I am a mother and I am failing, I am not there for the children that need me. I am still a daughter and could use a mother to help me through this to help me care for my children. A child needs their mother, but their are no mothers here. We are both dead.

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Comment by murial on April 5, 2010 at 10:00pm
My condolences to you and your family. I know your pain. And it will never go away. don't think about some day it will be better. Take baby steps. Try to do one thing everyday to make it hurt less. Try to talk to a friend about your lost child. People do want to help. It does help to share a story. Take a walk. Hug your children. Start small. You need to try. It sounds as tho you know that you are neglecting them. Help them, it'll get you through the tough times. And although you are hurting, your husband lost his child too, He is grieving too, but he does it differently. He needs you now also. You need each other. Hug each other. No need for words. Are you a religious person? Just wondering. I just want you to know, people know your pain. You are not alone. Reach out, someone will guide you along your long , lonesome road. Murial

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