I spent the morning in bed trying to talk Em. I did not see the kids open their baskets and they are looking for eggs at their grandmothers house later. I told Emmie all about Easter morning and what she should be doing and how I know she would react to different things. I told her about the Dora watering can that would have been in her basket and how much fun we would have watering the flowers out front this summer. I told her about her little green dress she is supposed to be wearing today and how beautiful she would look in it. I said how much I would have loved watching her run around Uncle John's yard and I know she would have been asking non stop to be picked up to spalsh her hand in the pool. I picture us lying in his lounge chairs having a cuddle. I would be exhausted trying to keep up with her. I am exhausted now, it is so different though. I know what she would have said, I know what her laugh would sound like. She is a little girl and she deserves to run and laugh. This is all I have now. Whispers to my child about things we will never do. I want to be on Facebook like everyone posting Easter wishes, funny kid stories and pictures of our children in their Easter clothes. I am never going to survive this, I can not live without her.
Instead as I lay in bed, holding Em's jammies and trying to make contact, trying to let her know that even if she is not here she is my every thought, I love her so much. I hear Scott snapping at the kids and my children being stuck in front of the t.v. No easter egg hunt or big pancake breakfast this year. Their mother did not even get out of bed. Scott and I do not say good morning. He is still very angry today. In a way his anger is good for me with the kids. It is rougher than he realizes and makes me want to protect them, it brings that quality back in me which has been missing. It is not like I am not short with them too it just always sounds worse coming from someone else. It is bad for us though. We have barely spoken in days. He thinks once time passes and we have had some time to grieve alone we will get back together. I think if we continue like this we will drift further and further apart. I have no idea who is right, maybe neither of us.
All morning I just keep thinking how did I get here. I replay every moment with Em over and over. She really was not sick. I do not understand how we got here. I would give her everything. There are so many children out there that do not have the love they need. Emmie had so much it bubbled over. My love for her bubbled over. She was so big and strong, what could do this, like this? It still takes my breathe away, that this is real. This is like the irrational fear you make up in your head as a mom. The nightmare that you wake up so thankful from, this does not happen, healthy children do not just die, but here I am and here she isn't.
Emmie, Mama needs you to know that she misses you so much and I love you so much and I think of you every second and I hold you with me every second and that will be true always every day of my life. I would do ANYTHING to get to you, to change this. I love you so much baby girl.