I can not breathe. The pain just goes on and on and on. I want my life back, I want my child back, I want a do over, I deserve a do over. I deserve so much more than the hand I have been dealt. My family is destroyed, my life is destroyed, there is not coming back from this. Everything has changed. The seconds tick by, I can not escape, I do not know how any one does this, I do not know how they will themself to. I am not a weak person and I am not going to make it. I can not function without Emerson. It is like trying to live without a major organ, maybe for a little bit your body can half heartedly hang on but eventually it shuts down and fails. That is where I am at. I am failing. I want out. I so desperately want the pain to go away and the only way that is going to happen is to be with her. Having to drag myself through minute after minute is a cruel cruel joke.

EASTER. In one word HEL_. The pain hit in wave after wave after wave. Like labor except there is no reward at the end, there is most likely never an end and if there is the reward has been lost. The morning without Em, no Easter dresses, no pictures, no smiles, no joy. We headed to my mother-in-laws. I told myself I did not have to talk, eat, etc. I just had to keep it together for the kids. I spent 90% of the day on the side porch alone crying and gasping for air so loudly I had the neighbors attention. Luckily the kids were busy with their aunt and uncle and having fun without me. My siter in law asked if I wanted to take her husband's gun in the woods and shoot it. I have never shot a gun in my life. I said yes, if I can shoot myself throught the head, that got rid of her fast, at least she tried. Everyone just avoided me. I tried to sit down and eat. There were 8 chairs at the table. Usually we fill it. My family of 5 plus my mother-in-law, brother in law and sister in law. There was an empty chair. Normally Em would be next to me in her booster. She would stay put for all of 5 mintues before climbing on my lap to eat my food which always tasted better to her. I needed her on my lap. I lasted two mintues and ran out sobbing- again. The pain literally feels like it will splt me in two.

I do not know how mothers continue on without their children. How do you accept that someone so full of life is gone. Emmie bounced. She never walked, she ran, she trotted, she danced, she climbed. Slow was not in her vocabulary. I have 2.5 years of photos. She is perfection in everyone. She had boundless energy. She was not sick, nothing was wrong. I need my baby girl back.