i am just not sure how i can explain my sorrow...it is like a shadow of sadness that is with me all the time because most everything i do had a connection to michael. i go to yoga, belly dance, jazzercise, the women's club, lunch with friends, visit with the kids, take care of the house, yard, go to talk therapy, read grieving books and regular books, went to a grief group, joined an online grief group, talk with other widows that i know or have met. i try to listen to what my body tells me and do what it tells me to do. my world as i knew it was turned completely upside down so i have to feel the pain of the loss and then figure out how i am going to live life now. not a task i would have ever asked for. most everyone that has been through this tells me that what i am doing and or feeling what is "normal" for the lose of a spouse. i will never get over it or even through it...i will just adjust to it. i miss michael all day long. i know from other widows that the pain will "soften" as time goes on. time...that is another weird thing...it seems to have stopped for me...i can see it going on all around me but i sort of frozen right now. i really don't know what else i can possibly do except to feel what i need to feel and take my "new normal" one step at a time. all the rules i ever went by have changed for me so i just pretty much try to stay in the moment. if i think about the rest of my life without michael i feel like i am going to go crazy. i am not foolish enuf to think that our life together was a perfect one, but the last few years were spent working on making so many things healthy for both of us and i just wasn't finished with that. i know that death is part of life and i am doing my best to get used to it but at the end of the day when i climb into that bed alone all i can think at this point is this just sucks!

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