i have tried to make it easier for myself but there is no getting around it......after spending 35 years with one person there isn't much that he isn't a part of in my life. as far as sleep goes...well i take it when i can get it...sleep wasn't an easy thing for me before...it is even harder now...as an army brat i had to adjust to new situations on a regular basis so i have pulled on those strengths to keep me going. i still love life but i miss michael terribly. we were together alot because of our dancing and also because we chose to live life in a way that was healthy for us. when you think you are doing all the right things and then death steps in so suddenly it makes me question all my beliefs. thru thick and thin i have loved michael for 35 years and i can't imagine not ever loving him, even in death. part of me is gone also so i am just trying to figure out who i am, who i will become. not an easy task at this time in my life.
i miss michael's hugs. i miss his laugh, his humor, the songs he sang to me, picking out clothes for his new supervisor position, his dedication to his kids, dancing, tae kwon do, to our relationship, the love notes he left me in the morning, him saying "lucy i'm home" at the end of the day, our own little book club when we read to each other, the list could go on and on. our lives had become one and now i have to function without all this. so yes, i will always be sad. i could not have imagined in my wildest dreams that michael would have died before me. he was so strong and powerful and had beat so many odds. it just doesn't seem fair, for either one of us.
i don't have a light note to end this on...i don't feel light at all...my heart feels like a cinderblock. i just have to trust those that have been through this and know that someday it will all become a little easier.

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Comment by Diane Mitchell on April 8, 2010 at 5:12pm
Hi Alaine, just wanted to check in with you. I hope you are feeling better today. I know how hard it is. You think you're doing ok and then bam! It hits and the sadness takes over. Someone you planned to spend many more years with is now gone forever. It hurts, I know. I can get through my work day pretty well. I'm in a different situation there. THere are many distractions even though I work in the hospital where Peter died. But I work with some great people and that has helped me so much to get through the days. Its when I leave at 4:00 to come home that is hard. Especially if I'm coming home to an empty house. Thats bad. He used to pick me up everyday and bring me to work. When I walk out at the end of the day its not to my car with Peter driving.. Its to the parking garage and driving home all by myself. Thats when I cry and my heart aches so badly. Hopefully someday our pain will turn the corner and life will be good again. It will never be the same but hopefully it can be good again. Thats what we have to hope for. So please contact me if you're ever feeling low and need someone to talk to. I know how much you hurt and I'll try to help you just as you helped me. Take care and lets hope for better days.

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