i have tried to make it easier for myself but there is no getting around it......after spending 35 years with one person there isn't much that he isn't a part of in my life. as far as sleep goes...well i take it when i can get it...sleep wasn't an easy thing for me before...it is even harder now...as an army brat i had to adjust to new situations on a regular basis so i have pulled on those strengths to keep me going. i still love life but i miss michael terribly. we were together alot because of our dancing and also because we chose to live life in a way that was healthy for us. when you think you are doing all the right things and then death steps in so suddenly it makes me question all my beliefs. thru thick and thin i have loved michael for 35 years and i can't imagine not ever loving him, even in death. part of me is gone also so i am just trying to figure out who i am, who i will become. not an easy task at this time in my life.
i miss michael's hugs. i miss his laugh, his humor, the songs he sang to me, picking out clothes for his new supervisor position, his dedication to his kids, dancing, tae kwon do, to our relationship, the love notes he left me in the morning, him saying "lucy i'm home" at the end of the day, our own little book club when we read to each other, the list could go on and on. our lives had become one and now i have to function without all this. so yes, i will always be sad. i could not have imagined in my wildest dreams that michael would have died before me. he was so strong and powerful and had beat so many odds. it just doesn't seem fair, for either one of us.
i don't have a light note to end this on...i don't feel light at all...my heart feels like a cinderblock. i just have to trust those that have been through this and know that someday it will all become a little easier.