Since I have had to get you out of your crib as you asked to come in "mama's bed", since we have have had our morning cuddle with our blankets arranged just right, me under my quilt and you with your blankie. Since we have talked about the dog picture on the wall and looked out the window at the trees before going to drag your sisters out of bed. Since I have held your pudgy hand, since we have snuggled on the couch to watch Dora, since we have split a coffee and punky bread, since I have traded you kisses for Goldfish while grocery shopping, since you have assured me that you "love me so much mama, so much". Since I have walked in the door to the patter of feet running at me and the most perfect voice in the world telling me "mamas home, mamas home. I missed you so much mama" as little arms wrapped around my legs and pulled me close. Since I have grabbed your hand numerous times throughout the day to keep you from falling, climbing, getting lost or simply to keep you close. Since I have zipped you into your feetie pajamas, since you have stroked my cheek with your hand, since you have
wrapped you arms around my neck and under my hair to give me the warmest hug.
Since my life has made any sense, since I felt happiness, hope, or joy. Since I have slept without a pair of your pajamas wrapped around me, since I have driven my car without sobbing uncontrollably, looking in the rearview mirror at you empty seat and wishing so desperately you would be there. The car is quiet, no one is singing and chattering away, asking me to get her blankie off the floor over and over.
My life is lonely without you, my heart is broken, my spirit gone. I hope you have those things with you, mamas love and heart and spirit, I hope you keep me close to you, the only place I want to be. Baby, I just do not know what happened, how can you be gone. I feel like such a failure. You were my life's work, my plans for the future, my hopes for forever. You were perfection from your beauty, to your intelligence, to your passion, to your sense of humor to the way at your young age you completed your mom who did not even know she could be whole. Mama will never be whole again, not without you sweet pea, but I want you to know that is ok. That as much as mama hurts right now, as broken as she is, I had something with you so few people experience in their lifetime. I would not trade our time for anything, I now know what it is like to be loved and to love completely and I will carry that with me always until I can hold you again. Emmie, come to me in my dreams baby, teach me to reach you, I miss you and need you as much as I always have, even more. I will hold you close always, can you hold me too, I can't make it without that.
Emmie, I love you so much, so much. Listen for me, I still sing you our song, "Little Tiny Emma Lou" whenever I can. I am sorry the tears ruin my words, it is amazing you ever liked me to sing to you anyways. I will sing to you always, love you always, long for you always, be your mama always.