Due to the terrible loss of my son I have noticed a few things. I am nor will I ever be the same. I was a great mother and now with one missing I am not a good mother.My family daughter and son that are still here are suffering too. I have realized Chris was the glue that kept my family together. All my kids played a part in making my family. Chris was the glue. Amanda never a dull moment drama because she was always the diva. Scott the baby always made us laugh.Scott don't talk to anyone much anymore because he feels like a failure because his bonemarrow failed. It is not his fault and we have explained this a million times to him.My daughter that was suppose to be the donor this time feels thatif they had used her in the first place he would not be gone. Don't think when dealth comes knocking on the door that he just takes one because he don't. He rips apart all that you will let him. Family needs to pull together at a time like this and we didn't. We all grieved in different ways. I don't know what to do to bring my family back. I am now not grieving for one I greive for all of them.
My saddness is so bad. My buren is so heavy. I think that if I had drove down the street and turned left instead of right destany would have been changed and Chris maybe still alive. Some say talk to him it will make you feel better,that doesn't work. I am more upset when he don't answer. Everyone says give it time but I don't see what time will do. Chris will still be gone my family may or may not recover from this and in the mean time I have lost my entire family. I really just don't see what time will do other than make me more anxious to get to heaven to my son. You see I will not miss this earth. I am nor will I ever be an entire person again. My heart is lost and shattered. People say remember the good times. Well when lives with cancer for 5 years there isn't all that many good times. My son suffered so horribly before he left us. He was cooked from the inside out from the chemo and I sat and watched. I watched him debread the blisters. I watched him fight for life. I watched him take his last breath. I have seen more than most parents could take. So really to go to go to heaven sounds pretty good to me right now. I won't have to relive his suffering everyday or feel the loss or hurt anymore. Don't get me wrong I will never do harm to myself because as I said I want to go to heaven to see him again and it is a mortal sin to take ones life. People say stay for your other kids and grand kids but really what good am I? I am so heart broken I can hardly get out of bed. All I do is work. If I am not at work then I will find some work to be done around the house. I just work myself to dealth. I don't know what it is to lay my head down and sleep the peaceful sleep I once knew. Yes I am see a grief counsler but with the questions I have there is no answer.

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