When I die I want my epitaph to read "she died of a broken heart". Because that is where I am, that is what I have. My heart is truly shattered, broken in a way that will never heal. Whether I die next week or in 50 years this is the beginning of the end. The time when I stopped thinking of my life as how long I had been alive and started looking it as how much closer I am to death. Emerson has been gone for 46 days, therefore I am 46 days closer to my own demise. 46 days closer to being with her, I hope.
Some people believe that everyone serves a purpose, not matter how small. I have always been terrified of dying young. I saw my mom go through it and thought that was my destiny as well. I was so afraid. Afraid of suffering, afraid of dying, afraid of leaving my children. Emerson made sure I always knew just how much she loved me. I have this thought that maybe she went so I would not be afraid. Maybe I am destined to die young but now there will not be the fear, there will be hope of being with Em. Of course, with that comes the fear of leaving the other girls but maybe I was going to have to leave all of them and Emmie, my little love went first to make it easier for me. I know none of this makes sense and are the ravings of a broken hearted mother but maybe...
The pain does not get easier. I hurt as I have all along. It is a pain that is so deep and continuous and severe that every morning I am shocked I have not died from it. I do know know how a broken heart beats, how lungs weighed down by insurmountable grief still manage to take in air, how I have not drown in my own tears. It still seems unreal. So horrifying that it can not possibly be true. So unlikely that a healthy child would just die, that my healthy child would just die.
I can function enough to get the kids to school, to get done the absolute minimim done that has to be done and then I wait. I wait for the seconds to pass, then the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, maybe even the years. How long will I have to wait until I can see my baby again?