Mama is missing you so so much. My body craves your weight, to feel you on me. I know exactly what level I need to bend to to scoop you up, where my hands need to land to be under your arms to pull you close. I know how you will feel, which way you will curve into me whether I am taking you out of your crib, out of your car seat or out of the tub. I want to give you a bath and watch you giggle while I wash your ticklish legs and float on your back while chanting "I floating, I floating". I want to make soap mohawks and watch your goofy grin. I want to wrap you in your towel and plop you on the counter to dry your hair. I want to lay you on my bed to put you in your diaper and zip you into your feetie jammies. I want to tuck my nose into your neck and smell your soothing scent.
Oh how I want to hear your sweet sweet voice tell me you missed me and "I wuv you so much mama, so much". I want to hear you sing your version of "tiny baby" in response to me singing you our song, "Little Tiny Emma Lou". What I would give to have a recording of that. Just thinking of you little voice and shy face while you sat on my lap and shyly sang to me, Emerson, I love you so so much. I want to watch you play with your sisters, laughing and teasing every bit as wise as them, even if you are so much smaller. I want to see your little devilish grin, the mischievous sparkle in your eye, your little pointy teeth way in the back that only Daddy and I know about.
Every time I leave the house I start to cry. I am so used to grabbing your hand so you do not fall down the front stairs. I never open your side of the car, your car seat sits there empty with one of your gickies in it just waiting for you. I can not take it out, I keep holding out hope when I know there is none.
I am missing you every second of the day and night. I keep expecting for this to be a bad dream, to hear your footsteps toddling around the corner. I picture you as if I held you just minutes ago, I know every inch of you inside and out. I know your thoughts, likes, dislikes, sense of humor, everything. You are part of me, I know you as I know myself. I feel like you could be up in your room asleep, like it could be a normal night, if only I could go up there and find you, get you back. Emerson, that is all that matters to me, getting back to you. I know I am the mother and you are my little girl but I NEED you, more than I have ever needed anything or anyone in my life.
I do not know what happened honey. Were you hurting? I have no idea why we are not together. I never could imagine this could happen, that we would ever be apart. I always made sure you were safe, I thought you were safely asleep baby. I did not know there was any risk that you would not awaken. Honey, mama feels like she did not keep you safe, like I failed you. You should be here with us, we should be making plans to fill April vacation this week. How can this be? This just does not happen. If I asked the dr. he would tell me you were perfect, you were perfect baby girl. How are you not here? No one can tell me that, it will not make it better anyways.
Do you have any idea how much I love you. How empty I am without you? I know I told you everyday, we told each other, we shared everything, but Emmie, I love you even more than I even knew. The way I feel without you can not be described. I feel like the life has left my body and all that is left here is my shell forced to roam this earth without my heart, I gave you that and it went with you. I look at all your pictures. You are so beautiful, so healthy. Every little inch of you just how it should be. Every picture has a memory, they are so vivid. I remember every moment we shared. Especially from the time you were about 18 months on. I think that is when our true need for each other really began to grow. We were always close, always an extension of one another. But once you could really talk you verbalized every chance you could just how special I was to you. I glowed from your love. Did you somehow know our time was short. The way you told me over and over. "I wuv you so much mama, so much or I missed you so much mama, so much." I always felt it was so important to you that I know. Emmie, I can not be here without you. There is nothing for me, you were it. I love your dada, I love your sisters, but you baby girl have always been my littlest, my favorite thing. Sweetie, please come tell mama how to get to you, I need you so very much, I love you so much Emerson, so much. I miss you please lead me to you baby girl, please.